Socially worn

Today feels like a Friday. But it's not.

The week has been long. The week has been loud. Both inside and out.

I've had a lot of arguments with myself this week. Mostly over stupid stuff. I like to have stupid arguments with myself rather than with others. It just makes more sense that way. I can end it at any time and not feel obligated to apologize.

I haven't felt like much of a social, people-person this week. I have nice things to say, but I just don't wish to put forth the effort. Some people haven't deserved my effort this week. Some people have thoroughly annoyed me this week. With how loud they've been. How inconsiderate they've been.

For those that have deserved it, they have been graced with it.

I've always been the type of person to think of others before myself. I find a lot of satisfaction in doing that. However, I don't think the majority of others do the same. I know of people who think they are so quaint and considerate, but really, they're not. Let me tape record you for a day.

The truth hurts. And it's ugly.

And I'm not just blowing smoke up my own butt. I really do think of others before myself. And it's not that easy for me to admit.

Today has been full. I've had my fill. I'm socially worn out.

People, sometimes, are the worst thing that can happen to me all day.

Precious, precious

This last week has been a hard one. Not directly, but indirectly. The events that have taken place have been fuzzy, but that's because the difficulty of the situation could happen to anyone. At anytime. Including me.

I have a few friends. Although some of those people I am ashamed to call friends because there are times when I distance myself from everyone and everything. Two of those friends were pregnant at the same time. Both due within weeks of each other. They are friends to each other. But, the similarities of their expanding families was not something that was planned.

Two weeks ago my very best friend had her baby. Three days after that my other friend had her baby. Both had girls. They both weighed the same. They were both born during daylight hours. But, that's where the similarities stopped.

The second friends' baby had some complications. She stayed in the hospital. She was transferred to a different hospital to better support her. And then transferred once more. A tiny life putting up an awesomely huge fight. It amazes me how something so small can fight so hard. That's the true power of God.

Everyone was praying for this little girl. Praying to keep her strong. Praying to keep the family strong. Praying that God would intervene and keep this baby breathing. The power of prayer was and still is awesome for this baby and her family.

She fought for six whole days. And then God decided that he had other plans for her.

I continue to pray for my friend and her husband every day. And while I can't fully imagine even the slightest what pain they are going through, I sympathize so much with them. I have a child. And every day that I pray for them, their loss weighs on me more and more. It's so hard to even begin to touch the reason why God had this plan for that baby's life. But, you just have to know that He did it for a reason beyond our control.

I'm hoping today will bring some closure to this difficult week. For them and for me. I don't think I can look at the kids the same anymore, though. I think it will soften my heart with them. I think it will make me even more grateful that I have them. Because not everyone is blessed in the same way as me. Not everyone gets to wish every baby they've had a happy first birthday.

Life is very precious. Please take a moment to pray for my friend's family today.

House plants

We moved a few months ago into a place of our own. We both came from houses where we lived with our family. I used to have a cat. Kevin used to have to deal with 2 dogs 3 dogs and a cat (they keep multiplying). I got rid of my cat because I felt like I couldn't give her the attention she needed. That's not fair to an animal. I found her a home and I hope she is doing well.

I love animals. Mostly I'm a dog person, but I've had dogs, cats, fish, hamsters, and I think that's about it. Growing up I always had an animal. My mom and dad still have an animal. That's just how it was. Kids love animals. My kids love animals. But, we don't have a pet.

Kevin and I decided that we needed a break from animals. Dealing with 3 hairy, loud labs is enough to drive anyone crazy. They act like kids sometimes, they chase each other, they fight over toys. It's quite comical, but it's not for us. So, we decided no pets. Not even a fish.

We went grocery shopping at Walmart a few weeks ago and we went to the garden center for something completely opposite of what I ended up getting. I picked out a house plant. Now, I'm not super great at watering anything that doesn't signal to me it needs care. But, I'm working on it. I put it in our window in our kitchen so I can see it every day. So far, it's still living. I've watered it once.

Kevin said I was on my own with this one. I hope I don't kill it. Maybe he will let me have a few more if I do a good job. We can slowly work ourselves up to having an animal. I mean, kids are kind of like animals, and the kids are still alive.



*I'm just joking about the kid part. Well, yes, they are still alive. But, we don't treat them like animals or house plants. Just to make that clear.

You stuck your finger where?

I got my hair permed on Wednesday night. A little time to myself to be a grown up. A little time to myself to do something on my own. A little time to go crazy with my hair.

It's interesting. This hair of mine. I have thin hair, but I have a lot of thin hair. So, I got my full head of hair curled. Permanently. Until it grows out.

I wasn't scared. Not one bit.

In high school, I got my first perm when I was either 14 or 15. I remember my first perm wasn't exactly what I envisioned. I'd never had one before, so no one was really sure how my hair would react. Well, my hair doesn't hold a spiral curl. I know that for a fact. Who knows how much perm solution that would take. Also, I was young and I didn't care about my hair the way I do now, 10 years later. I remember that school picture that year. Yikes.

Then I got my second perm when I was 17. Just in time for my senior pictures. Those were my favorite pictures. They turned out so well and I loved my hair. So, that totally made up for the jacked up first perm syndrome I had. I took much better care of my hair and you could tell.

Then I forgot about perms until after I had Morgen. A month after Morgen was born I went to get another perm. It turned out great and I loved my hair for a few months. Then I cut it all off. I have a horrible habit of taking stress out on my hair. It has been every color and cut imaginable.

If I'm bald one day, please refer me back to this post. Thanks.

So, it's been almost 3 years since I last had a perm. I made a good decision. I like it a lot. It looks good on me. And I will admit that Thursday I kept waiting for someone to ask me if I'd stuck my finger in an electrical socket. It never happened. I'm very relieved.

Breathtaking

I have a background on my computer at work for each season. I always try to find breathtaking pictures. I try to never use the same one twice.

For winter I picked a mountain view, covered in snow. It looks like I'm looking out over the peak of a mountain and there are nothing but snow capped mountains in the background as far as you can see.

I feel like it takes my breath away every time I see it. I'll go to close a program and suddenly my stomach will jump. I have a fear of heights, but who knew a picture would get me like this one does.

I'm hosting a baby shower tomorrow for my best friend. I hope it turns out beautiful. She is having a little girl. I can't wait to meet her. How breathtaking that will be as well.

I love when my life is full of breathtaking moments.

Faith, hope & love

"I got someone who loves me more than words can say & I'm thankful for that each and every day & if I count all my blessings, I get a smile on my face..." - Sugarland

That is how I'm feeling today. I feel refreshed. I feel loved. I feel like I have a little bit more faith today than I did yesterday.

I only have one complaint; my ipod is dying a slow and painful death. So, I wish tax season would hurry a little faster so I could purchase a new one.

Thankful

I tried to write a post today on negativity. Then I accidentally erased it. So, obviously I need to move on.

Thursday I started feeling the twangs of a UTI. I'm really disappointed because I'm pretty sure I do have a UTI. I'm also pretty sure I don't have any time to go to the doctor to get some medicine for it. It's a holiday week. I have plans.

So, I'm drinking nothing but water or juice (very, very limited amounts of juice) to see if it might flush itself out of my system. And I know I'm pushing the envelope with what comes next. Kidney infections are nothing to mess with, but I really do not have time to see a doctor this week.

I've realized that I haven't been sick in a while and I'm thankful for that just as much as I am confused by it. Normally stress means I automatically catch every bug going around. Maybe my tolerance has built up some. I'm not sure, but I'm going to knock on wood.

I was going to go back to the whole negativity thing and explain how I'm going to be a bit more happy from now on, but I'm afraid of accidentally deleting this post, too. But, just know, something spoke to me this morning when I tried to be negative on facebook. I'm a thankful person. So, I'll be doing more of that.

Being thankful for what I've got and where I am. Because that's all that matters right now.

Every memory imaginable

I love photography so much. I was reminded of that just a little bit ago as I looked at my Ansel Adams calendar hanging above my desk. I love the photography he did, even if it was in black and white.

It makes me wonder what all of those scenes looked like in color. I would imagine they'd take your breathe away. Considering the colorless versions almost do.

My favorite photos of his are the ones involving snow. Stark, white snow. There is no mistaking it in any of his photos.

I want my photos to be remembered. Not for their quality or clarity, but for the odd little moments that I've captured. I like to take photos that catch people off guard. That show their true personality. Not just a smile flashing at the camera. I want to capture the mad, sad, joyful, thankfulness, and so many other emotions. Photos don't all have to be happy, but I do want them to tell a story. Even if it is sad. Because not all memories are happy. There has to be sad and all the other emotions mixed in. That's called life.

I have a Facebook page for my photography. I love every photo that I have posted. Every family that I've had the joy of capturing has made me happy.

And I have no idea how I'm ever going to put a price on what I love doing.

Reduce, reuse, recycle

Have you ever painted your fingernails and had them looking so good. They were beautiful for that first day. Then you chip one. And you just ignore your hands for the next three weeks and suddenly you look down one day.

OH MY GOSH.

That polish is still there!?!

But only you're not at home so you can't go remove it yet. And when you get home you just forget about it until the next day you look down again. And the same. thing. happens. For weeks. So, you end up wearing that horribly chipped nail polish for three more weeks.

Not that I'm like that or anything.

...What?

Ok. My whole life is kind of like that. But, that's besides the point.

Is it weird that I reuse plastic utensils? I don't make others do it, like the kids, but I do it and Kevin does it. At work. Trying to be resourceful, I suppose.

This is a random, running together of stories and thoughts, but we bought a desk last night from a thrift store. It is going to get a new coat of paint. If I can think of a color. Do you know how hard it is to chose a paint color? Because there are MILLIONS to choose from.

New chapters

I like to beat up on myself. A lot. I find it much easier to get angry at myself or to put myself down than doing it to someone else. Even things I'm not at fault for.

I guess I'm a self-bully. I don't bully others. That does nothing for me. But, me, yeah, she deserves all the bullying in the world sometimes.

I've been in a very weird mood since yesterday. Something about unpacking boxes and being forced to look at your past. It floors me. It makes me beat myself up. It makes me just wish I'd thrown the whole box away. On accident. Just so I wouldn't have to torture myself. Rifle through something that doesn't even matter to me anymore.

Kevin said something to me yesterday that made me think of it in a different light. Just for a minute anyways. He told me that those chapters are behind me and that we're working on making our own new chapters. That I didn't have to worry about the way things were.

That put me at ease. A little. I still can't overcome this feeling. This attitude that I've taken against myself. I've gone from beating myself up over what was in a box to beating myself up because I was beating myself up. Does that make sense? No. Oh, well, welcome to my life.

I think the cold weather has me down. I know it's finally here to stay. I'm trying to get used to it. It's a good way to clear the cobwebs that gathered during the summer. And now that everything is unpacked and there are no more boxes of the past to go through, I can finally rest.

I just wish I could shake this attitude. How is it that I can be so pleasant on the outside and so hateful on the inside? To myself?

I wish I loved myself as much as I loved others. And I'm working on it. Honest.