The new me; outgoing & bossy

I hate to argue. The only time I'll do it is when I'm certain that my point is a fact. Sometimes not even then.

I don't really know of anything I'm truly passionate about. Mostly because I feel that in order to reach a level of passion, you actually have to know a lot about the subject. So, why argue about something when I don't know everything about it?

I don't value my opinion enough to put myself out there most of the time. That's just how I am.

Despite how much I don't like to argue, I did it yesterday. It wasn't really an argument as much as it was me trying to understand someone else's feelings. I'm not insensitive. I just try not to let my past dictate my future. Which is what the argument was all about. Therefore, being sensitive to the subject was not something I was doing. I took offense to it.

Last night we went to small group. We are currently finding our Niche. It's a wonderful personality profile unlike any I've ever done before.

We took assessments last night. We checked off our strengths and weaknesses. Sometimes I was stumped at which choice to choose. How do you label strengths without seeming too cocky? Same with weaknesses. Do you really want to admit you are a brassy person, or that you're overly negative?

Once we were all done we found out what our choices said about each of us.

And here's the shocker.

My selections revealed my personality as outgoing and demanding. Kevin's selections revealed he was reserved and shy and organized!

It was funny, because we both believe ourselves to be complete opposite of what this test showed us. And we are complete opposite of one another.

But, I love that about us. It's about balance. We balance each other out.

And while we did have an argument yesterday, it was resolved. Resolved with good news. With good outcome. As are most of our stupid arguments. But that's the balance we have.

We're opposites that compliment one another. Even when I do feel the need to show my outgoing, bossy side to get my point across.

Tripping on a leap of faith

You know how some days you wake up trying to be so positive and then something happens to mess you up, right from the beginning?

Yesterday was one of those days. I woke up feeling great. I was well rested. Then I got to work and walked through our turnstiles and it came back around and caught my left heel. I wanted to scream and cry at the same time. But I couldn't. Because I was at work and other people were around.

From that point on everything went downhill. I got a bad headache. I felt sick because of it. I had a ton of work to get done. Even when I left work it didn't get any better. I just wanted to get home so I could take something for the migraine that was beating me into the ground. But, traffic got in the way. Unusual traffic. A bad accident that crushed the rear end of a car so bad that the trunk and back seat had become one with each other.

Then I realized that, despite my throbbing head, someone else had a worse day than I did.

I've tried extra hard to be positive lately. To not let doubt and negativity consume me. Not everything is as bad as it seems. Let go and move on. Stop worrying so much. Stop letting things you can't control, control YOU.

Kevin and I have let go of a lot of things lately. We are doing better because of it. Not that we were doing bad, but a lot of our conversation was about negativity and what was going on in our lives was trying to drag us down.

We started thinking more positive a few weeks ago and a lot has changed.

I think I'm liking the changes. And I will like the changes that have yet to come.

I want to share a secret. I know I don't share a lot of pictures on here, but I do take pictures. I love to take pictures. I take pictures of other people more than I take pictures of my own family, but I take pictures nonetheless. And I am leaning on that talent that I have. And I am churning ideas. And I am going to take a step that might make or break me. But, I think my photography-side-hobby is about to become something bigger. And I have a huge support system.

So, I'm just going to dive in the deep end. And pray I don't drown.

House plants

We moved a few months ago into a place of our own. We both came from houses where we lived with our family. I used to have a cat. Kevin used to have to deal with 2 dogs 3 dogs and a cat (they keep multiplying). I got rid of my cat because I felt like I couldn't give her the attention she needed. That's not fair to an animal. I found her a home and I hope she is doing well.

I love animals. Mostly I'm a dog person, but I've had dogs, cats, fish, hamsters, and I think that's about it. Growing up I always had an animal. My mom and dad still have an animal. That's just how it was. Kids love animals. My kids love animals. But, we don't have a pet.

Kevin and I decided that we needed a break from animals. Dealing with 3 hairy, loud labs is enough to drive anyone crazy. They act like kids sometimes, they chase each other, they fight over toys. It's quite comical, but it's not for us. So, we decided no pets. Not even a fish.

We went grocery shopping at Walmart a few weeks ago and we went to the garden center for something completely opposite of what I ended up getting. I picked out a house plant. Now, I'm not super great at watering anything that doesn't signal to me it needs care. But, I'm working on it. I put it in our window in our kitchen so I can see it every day. So far, it's still living. I've watered it once.

Kevin said I was on my own with this one. I hope I don't kill it. Maybe he will let me have a few more if I do a good job. We can slowly work ourselves up to having an animal. I mean, kids are kind of like animals, and the kids are still alive.



*I'm just joking about the kid part. Well, yes, they are still alive. But, we don't treat them like animals or house plants. Just to make that clear.

Seasons of life

Kevin and I have been really fixated on something we heard on the radio Saturday. But, before I elaborate, let me take you back to where it began.

Friday was a hard day for me. Not only did the day drag on at work, but when I got home I felt empty. I was hesitant to fix supper for fear that the kids wouldn't like it (we've been having dinner table drama lately). I was behind on laundry, watching it overflow from the basket in our room. I was mentally exhausted from a short, yet very long, first week back at work after the holidays. I was burnt out. I didn't even know what to feel, really.

We made it through supper, through the mountain of clothes, through the dishes. I put Morgen to bed and tried to catch up with various things online. Bills were paid, I browsed online for a bit, I got tired. I was talking to Kevin about how I'm still struggling with the whole "step-parent" thing. Trying to get accustomed to someone else's child as though they are your own is hard. Not only are your feelings involved, but the child's feelings are involved, too. And we have definitely had our ups and downs with that whole situation. I told Kevin that I wasn't sure what to do, and he gave me the ultimate answer.

Let's pray about it.

In the 2 and a half some years that I have been with him, we have always tried to solve our problems in other ways. But, he simplified it for me. And to hear that come from him was amazing. I just needed someone to remind me of what I should have been doing all along.

Saturday we all went grocery shopping as a family. We had the radio playing Christian music and we were all content and quiet in the car. We heard a commercial come on, keeping on subject with the radio station, and it started talking about seasons of life. Kevin asked me if I heard it, and I hadn't, so he explained to me what the woman had said. He explained that I was going through seasons, and how all of them may not have been through Him, but that He still loved me anyway. It really made me think. I need a new season to my life, and I want Him involved.

We've been listening to that radio station every time we get in the car. It calms me. I can't even begin to explain how it makes me feel. Kevin and I have had more conversations about this "season" and I'm beginning to understand. I'm working on taking a season to think about me. To ask for help from Him for all the things I need. To place my stress on Him.

This is very different for me. A step outside of the box. I'm still clumsy in my faith, but I want to change that. And there's no better time than now. In this new season of my life.

Hi.

I realize that I have neglected to post pictures on my blog since I started it at the beginning of November. I have a reason for doing that. I am overcoming that reason, but I still mainly post from my phone. My phone doesn't have a camera. Do you want to know why? I promise it's not because I am boring and plain. I have a fancy phone. {It does have internet, after all}

I have a full time job {other than being a momma} that is top secret. No. Not really. But, almost. I just have a job that deals with sensitive information, therefore I can't have a phone with a camera on it AND be able to bring it into work with me. Losing my job is not in the cards for me right now. So, I play by the rules. Good thing Blackberry was so gracious to make a phone sans camera.

Back to the whole thing about pictures, though. I love to take pictures. Sharing them is just a whole other battle. I don't even share them on Facebook sometimes. I normally get on the computer to pay bills, check this or that and then I'm done. I'm on a computer all day at work, and well, it's not appealing when I get home. Supper and bed are more appealing. Spending time with the kids is more appealing. It's just what happens.

I do want to introduce you to someone, though.


{Left to right: Kevin, Matthew, Morgen, Christie}

I have a blended family. We go very well together. I hope you can put a face to a name now. I'm not good with faces and names, but hopefully you are better.

I just wanted to say hello, though. Put myself out there. Be vulnerable. Live on the edge.

Reduce, reuse, recycle

Have you ever painted your fingernails and had them looking so good. They were beautiful for that first day. Then you chip one. And you just ignore your hands for the next three weeks and suddenly you look down one day.

OH MY GOSH.

That polish is still there!?!

But only you're not at home so you can't go remove it yet. And when you get home you just forget about it until the next day you look down again. And the same. thing. happens. For weeks. So, you end up wearing that horribly chipped nail polish for three more weeks.

Not that I'm like that or anything.

...What?

Ok. My whole life is kind of like that. But, that's besides the point.

Is it weird that I reuse plastic utensils? I don't make others do it, like the kids, but I do it and Kevin does it. At work. Trying to be resourceful, I suppose.

This is a random, running together of stories and thoughts, but we bought a desk last night from a thrift store. It is going to get a new coat of paint. If I can think of a color. Do you know how hard it is to chose a paint color? Because there are MILLIONS to choose from.

New chapters

I like to beat up on myself. A lot. I find it much easier to get angry at myself or to put myself down than doing it to someone else. Even things I'm not at fault for.

I guess I'm a self-bully. I don't bully others. That does nothing for me. But, me, yeah, she deserves all the bullying in the world sometimes.

I've been in a very weird mood since yesterday. Something about unpacking boxes and being forced to look at your past. It floors me. It makes me beat myself up. It makes me just wish I'd thrown the whole box away. On accident. Just so I wouldn't have to torture myself. Rifle through something that doesn't even matter to me anymore.

Kevin said something to me yesterday that made me think of it in a different light. Just for a minute anyways. He told me that those chapters are behind me and that we're working on making our own new chapters. That I didn't have to worry about the way things were.

That put me at ease. A little. I still can't overcome this feeling. This attitude that I've taken against myself. I've gone from beating myself up over what was in a box to beating myself up because I was beating myself up. Does that make sense? No. Oh, well, welcome to my life.

I think the cold weather has me down. I know it's finally here to stay. I'm trying to get used to it. It's a good way to clear the cobwebs that gathered during the summer. And now that everything is unpacked and there are no more boxes of the past to go through, I can finally rest.

I just wish I could shake this attitude. How is it that I can be so pleasant on the outside and so hateful on the inside? To myself?

I wish I loved myself as much as I loved others. And I'm working on it. Honest.