You stuck your finger where?

I got my hair permed on Wednesday night. A little time to myself to be a grown up. A little time to myself to do something on my own. A little time to go crazy with my hair.

It's interesting. This hair of mine. I have thin hair, but I have a lot of thin hair. So, I got my full head of hair curled. Permanently. Until it grows out.

I wasn't scared. Not one bit.

In high school, I got my first perm when I was either 14 or 15. I remember my first perm wasn't exactly what I envisioned. I'd never had one before, so no one was really sure how my hair would react. Well, my hair doesn't hold a spiral curl. I know that for a fact. Who knows how much perm solution that would take. Also, I was young and I didn't care about my hair the way I do now, 10 years later. I remember that school picture that year. Yikes.

Then I got my second perm when I was 17. Just in time for my senior pictures. Those were my favorite pictures. They turned out so well and I loved my hair. So, that totally made up for the jacked up first perm syndrome I had. I took much better care of my hair and you could tell.

Then I forgot about perms until after I had Morgen. A month after Morgen was born I went to get another perm. It turned out great and I loved my hair for a few months. Then I cut it all off. I have a horrible habit of taking stress out on my hair. It has been every color and cut imaginable.

If I'm bald one day, please refer me back to this post. Thanks.

So, it's been almost 3 years since I last had a perm. I made a good decision. I like it a lot. It looks good on me. And I will admit that Thursday I kept waiting for someone to ask me if I'd stuck my finger in an electrical socket. It never happened. I'm very relieved.

An Etsy Christmas wish list

This year I asked for gifts that didn't require much thought. We really need a new set of dishes, another set of sheets, simple things like that. I always ask for something that can benefit us as a family. I never seem to ask for something just for myself. It doesn't seem right. Maybe it's because I'm an adult. Maybe it's because I really, subconsciously know that I don't need anything.

But, every once in a while I run across stuff that I adore. I'd never ask for it and I'd probably never even buy any of it for myself, but this is a list of things I would want if I thought about just myself for once:

- A beautiful serving bowl to sit on the island in my kitchen.

- Earrings to make me feel elegant.

- This bright, cheerful shirt looks like it's comfy and work casual.

- I really love earrings and I don't have many pairs, but these simple studs would get worn almost every day, I'm sure.

- This wool tote matches my eclectic style. I have been in love with mustard yellow lately.

- Ok, so I guess I like earrings. How about some little sugar drop vintage glass ones?

- I really need something to put all of my jewelry in. I thought this was beautiful.

Maybe some day I will buy one of these items for myself. Maybe not. It is always fun to browse. There is less of a knot in the bottom of my stomach when I browse than when I purchase. Window shopping keeps me out of trouble and helps me spend money on other things. But, that's my Christmas list. If there ever was such a thing.

And sometimes that's how it is

It has been a busy week. I prepped for a sweet, little girl's 3rd birthday party (that really went off without a hitch) and then took a day off of work to spend with her on her actual birthday yesterday.

This child was thrilled! It snowed on her birthday!

We had a cowgirl theme birthday party gone plain due to last minute procrastination planning, but it still turned out great. I even made her entire birthday cake from scratch and it turned out so good.

Yesterday we went to the aquarium. She had a ton of fun seeing all of the fish, turtles, otters and seals. She even got to pet horseshoe crabs and hermit crabs in a touch tank.

Then we went out for lunch and she experienced her first time being sang to by the waiters/waitresses. Free ice cream with sprinkles was pretty neat, too.

So, we have been busy this week! And I have been so tired and trying to catch back up with work. It's almost Christmas and we've barely put a dent into our shopping. The list of things to do just keeps getting longer this time of year. Sometimes being on the adult side of things isn't all that fun. I wish I could be 3 again.

Highs in the lows

Over the last week it has gotten chilly here. We haven't had highs above the low 40s since last Friday. We even got snow on Saturday.

Mark it on your calendars. We got snow on December 4th. I don't think we've ever gotten snow this early in December, if any at all.

I like snow. A lot of people don't like snow. I think of it this way, if it's going to be cold then I want to see some snow. Otherwise, the cold is a waste of my time. I don't like being cold.

When Morgen is cold she tells me "I'm shakin."

We have a thick blanket in the car that I cover her with each time we get in. She stays all bundled up and sings along with the Christmas music. She tells me every day that she loves Christmas. I love that she loves Christmas. It's so magical feeling.

She sat on Santa's lap this year. She told him she wanted puzzles and coloring books. I have never seen her so excited to do something like that.

Her birthday is next Monday. She will be three. She is also very excited about that. She knows she is having a party on Saturday and that there will be cake. We try our very best to separate her birthday from Christmas. I always want her to feel like she has a special day of her own, outside of the holiday. I hope she always likes Christmas this much, too.

Two years

Two years ago today, I started the final stages of a very difficult time in my life.

Two years ago today, I was someone completely different. I have a hard time remembering who that person was, but it has been pushed out of my memory for a reason. A reason that I am more comfortable talking about now, since time has passed.

I clearly remember what happened on this day two years ago. I woke up feeling like things had started to get better and that I could breathe again. I guess I took those relieving breathes too soon. Because that evening spun out of control. I felt a tight grip of my reality on my throat and I wasn't sure what to do. I was suffocating in my own life.

Let me take you back and catch you up to where I had been. In June 2008, I decided that I'd had enough. I realized what was happening to me and I wanted to end it. I wasn't myself anymore. I was just a shell of a body. Every day I had someone telling me how lazy I was. How I needed to get help for postpartum depression. Every day I was ignored when I requested empathy and attention. It wore me down to nothing. I thought everything was my fault. I honestly thought something terrible was wrong with me.

So, I moved on in June. Yes, a relationship. A relationship outside of my marriage. Something that my faith knew was wrong. Something that my mind knew was wrong. But, something that my heart needed so badly. I never looked back on the decision I made. I made my bed and I will lie in it forever. But, that's not the point.

Come December I had been through a lot. Turns out that being honest with my husband wasn't what would set me free. There was a lot of trouble from that, but this day, two years ago, I thought things were looking up. I hadn't seen him all day. So, I went about my own business with my daughter. That night is when things got crazy. Reality slapped me in the face. I never again thought that any of this would be easy.

I never thought that as a mother I would have fought for custody of my child. I never thought that someone would follow me everywhere I went and know everything I was doing. I never thought that my child would be taken from me, placed in front of me to see but not touch. I never thought that anyone would think, let alone voice, that my child would be told I didn't exist. I had no idea what I would be put through, by someone I had loved so much and gave every ounce of myself to.

For a year of this journey, my life was restricted. I was only allowed to do so much. My child couldn't be seen by anyone that wasn't related to her. I was told to stay home and keep to myself. It was hard. It hurt me more knowing that my child had to go through all of this, too. That she had to see her mother hurting.

Things have gotten a lot better in the past two years. I still struggle with a lot of the idealisms that were put in my head years ago, but I understand them and I know I can overcome them. I have less of a grip from someone else leading my life for me. I lead my life now. I still have boundaries, but I know they won't be there forever.

I have a family again. Even though it isn't a family on paper, it is a family in my heart. One that loves each other and treats each other how they should be treated.

The only thing that hasn't changed in the past two years is my marital status. I'm still married. Not legally separated. Not divorced. Just still married and haven't lived together since 2008. It's still hard because of that. I struggle with it every day. I've paid countless dollars towards this divorce. But, I don't let that stop me from living. Even though it does stop me from doing a lot of things with my life. I'm just waiting. My faith in my heart tells me that there is still a plan for me. I hope that is right.

While there are many, many details that I could never write down that do have a place in this story of my life, I feel as though my point has gotten across. Not that I don't want to share, but most things I have blocked from my mind. Terrible, terrible things. Just know that everyone makes mistakes. We live and we learn. We forgive, even if we don't forget. I have forgiven, too. It has taken a while for me to forgive, but I have. I have feeling again. I'm no longer numb.

I speak up for abuse. I speak up for myself. I have become a better person for it. I love who I have become. I was meant for the pain because we are given what we can handle. I think I've handled it well.

Breathtaking

I have a background on my computer at work for each season. I always try to find breathtaking pictures. I try to never use the same one twice.

For winter I picked a mountain view, covered in snow. It looks like I'm looking out over the peak of a mountain and there are nothing but snow capped mountains in the background as far as you can see.

I feel like it takes my breath away every time I see it. I'll go to close a program and suddenly my stomach will jump. I have a fear of heights, but who knew a picture would get me like this one does.

I'm hosting a baby shower tomorrow for my best friend. I hope it turns out beautiful. She is having a little girl. I can't wait to meet her. How breathtaking that will be as well.

I love when my life is full of breathtaking moments.

December first

I can't believe it is December already. This year is coming to a close very quickly. Last month was all about money. Everything required repairing, or so it seemed. Everything comes together at the end of the year, I suppose.

I hope December brings some snow. It doesn't snow much in Virginia. I feel like we are in a state of equilibrium year round. The summers aren't too hot, the winters aren't too cold. It's nice, but snow would make the cold more worthwhile.

Happy December.