February 24, 2011

The new me; outgoing & bossy

I hate to argue. The only time I'll do it is when I'm certain that my point is a fact. Sometimes not even then.

I don't really know of anything I'm truly passionate about. Mostly because I feel that in order to reach a level of passion, you actually have to know a lot about the subject. So, why argue about something when I don't know everything about it?

I don't value my opinion enough to put myself out there most of the time. That's just how I am.

Despite how much I don't like to argue, I did it yesterday. It wasn't really an argument as much as it was me trying to understand someone else's feelings. I'm not insensitive. I just try not to let my past dictate my future. Which is what the argument was all about. Therefore, being sensitive to the subject was not something I was doing. I took offense to it.

Last night we went to small group. We are currently finding our Niche. It's a wonderful personality profile unlike any I've ever done before.

We took assessments last night. We checked off our strengths and weaknesses. Sometimes I was stumped at which choice to choose. How do you label strengths without seeming too cocky? Same with weaknesses. Do you really want to admit you are a brassy person, or that you're overly negative?

Once we were all done we found out what our choices said about each of us.

And here's the shocker.

My selections revealed my personality as outgoing and demanding. Kevin's selections revealed he was reserved and shy and organized!

It was funny, because we both believe ourselves to be complete opposite of what this test showed us. And we are complete opposite of one another.

But, I love that about us. It's about balance. We balance each other out.

And while we did have an argument yesterday, it was resolved. Resolved with good news. With good outcome. As are most of our stupid arguments. But that's the balance we have.

We're opposites that compliment one another. Even when I do feel the need to show my outgoing, bossy side to get my point across.

February 17, 2011

Socially worn

Today feels like a Friday. But it's not.

The week has been long. The week has been loud. Both inside and out.

I've had a lot of arguments with myself this week. Mostly over stupid stuff. I like to have stupid arguments with myself rather than with others. It just makes more sense that way. I can end it at any time and not feel obligated to apologize.

I haven't felt like much of a social, people-person this week. I have nice things to say, but I just don't wish to put forth the effort. Some people haven't deserved my effort this week. Some people have thoroughly annoyed me this week. With how loud they've been. How inconsiderate they've been.

For those that have deserved it, they have been graced with it.

I've always been the type of person to think of others before myself. I find a lot of satisfaction in doing that. However, I don't think the majority of others do the same. I know of people who think they are so quaint and considerate, but really, they're not. Let me tape record you for a day.

The truth hurts. And it's ugly.

And I'm not just blowing smoke up my own butt. I really do think of others before myself. And it's not that easy for me to admit.

Today has been full. I've had my fill. I'm socially worn out.

People, sometimes, are the worst thing that can happen to me all day.

February 15, 2011

He loves me, he loves me not

I remember back when I was in elementary school, everyone passed out Valentine's Day cards, secretly, into little brown bags that we had decorated the week before. It was so much fun to see who gave you the cards with candy attached. Or how many of the same card you got in your bag.

Sometimes I wish Valentine's Day was still like that. Simple.

We don't celebrate Valentine's Day (note: we don't buy each other gifts), because we believe that everyday is a day of love. You don't need a card to say it. You don't need flowers to say it. You just need a heart. You can say it with words or say it with actions. No gift required. Everyday. Whenever the mood strikes you.



I order some earrings from Etsy a week ago and they arrived right on Valentine's Day. Perfect timing.

I hope you had a simple Valentine's Day, too. So full of love.

February 10, 2011

Precious, precious

This last week has been a hard one. Not directly, but indirectly. The events that have taken place have been fuzzy, but that's because the difficulty of the situation could happen to anyone. At anytime. Including me.

I have a few friends. Although some of those people I am ashamed to call friends because there are times when I distance myself from everyone and everything. Two of those friends were pregnant at the same time. Both due within weeks of each other. They are friends to each other. But, the similarities of their expanding families was not something that was planned.

Two weeks ago my very best friend had her baby. Three days after that my other friend had her baby. Both had girls. They both weighed the same. They were both born during daylight hours. But, that's where the similarities stopped.

The second friends' baby had some complications. She stayed in the hospital. She was transferred to a different hospital to better support her. And then transferred once more. A tiny life putting up an awesomely huge fight. It amazes me how something so small can fight so hard. That's the true power of God.

Everyone was praying for this little girl. Praying to keep her strong. Praying to keep the family strong. Praying that God would intervene and keep this baby breathing. The power of prayer was and still is awesome for this baby and her family.

She fought for six whole days. And then God decided that he had other plans for her.

I continue to pray for my friend and her husband every day. And while I can't fully imagine even the slightest what pain they are going through, I sympathize so much with them. I have a child. And every day that I pray for them, their loss weighs on me more and more. It's so hard to even begin to touch the reason why God had this plan for that baby's life. But, you just have to know that He did it for a reason beyond our control.

I'm hoping today will bring some closure to this difficult week. For them and for me. I don't think I can look at the kids the same anymore, though. I think it will soften my heart with them. I think it will make me even more grateful that I have them. Because not everyone is blessed in the same way as me. Not everyone gets to wish every baby they've had a happy first birthday.

Life is very precious. Please take a moment to pray for my friend's family today.

February 5, 2011

Joy of Love | Day 5

I am participating in a photography workshop through Willette for the month of February.

It is called The Joy of Love and each day I receive photo prompts and assignments to complete to help me work on my photography and also capture some unique photos of my loved ones.

Day 5: Love To Hate

Joy of Love - Day 5

Some days I really hate the clutter that the kids leave behind. Messy beds, messy floors. They flow so easily from one thing to the next. Probably because they don't bother to put anything away. Ever.

I don't know why we have shelves in their room, because they're always bare. I don't know why I put sheets on the bed, because they are always ripped off. But, it wouldn't be the same if they were as neat and tidy as me. I'd be worried. So, I love their messy personalities. For now.

February 4, 2011

Joy of Love | Day 4

I am participating in a photography workshop through Willette for the month of February.

It is called The Joy of Love and each day I receive photo prompts and assignments to complete to help me work on my photography and also capture some unique photos of my loved ones.

Day 4: What They Wear

Joy of Love - Day 4

I always feel like Morgen has a ton of clothes. Mostly because she does. I always have a small stack of clothes that don't really fit her anymore. There is a pile of currently worn clothes that fit perfectly. Then there is a stash of clothes that she will grow in to in a few weeks months. She grows so fast sometimes that I can't keep up, so when someone mistakenly gives her an outfit or shirt that is too big, I don't take it back. I just wait. Because I know she will be wearing it before I even know it.

February 3, 2011

Joy of Love | Day 3

I am participating in a photography workshop through Willette for the month of February.

It is called The Joy of Love and each day I receive photo prompts and assignments to complete to help me work on my photography and also capture some unique photos of my loved ones.

Day 3: Then & Now

Joy of Love - Day 3

This photo was taken when Morgen was 5 months old.

Joy of Love - Day 3

We took a weekend vacation to the mountains with my mom to see the caverns. I wore her the whole time.

Joy of Love - Day 3

She knows exactly who is in this picture.

"Momma and baby Morgen!"

And her thoughts about me taking a picture of her holding another picture were "are we done yet?"

I can barely get her to hold still to take a picture let alone try to hold her anymore. 5 months to 3 years makes one BIG difference.

February 2, 2011

Joy of Love | Day 2

{I'm backtracking on some posts, so while the date has been altered, please know you didn't miss something by accident}

I am participating in a photography workshop through Willette for the month of February.

It is called The Joy of Love and each day I receive photo prompts and assignments to complete to help me work on my photography and also capture some unique photos of my loved ones.

Day 2: How They Look

Joy of Love - Day 2

Morgen always seems to have a look of concern about her. She likes to wrinkle her brow, give me a hard stare and concentrate rather hard on whatever she does. I see her make that face all of the time and I wish I could have captured it today. But, she decided to relax, sit back and enjoy me taking pictures this time. She is such a laid back child that just goes with the flow. She doesn't seem to be very structured. Which is good considering most of the time we veer from whatever form of scheduling we try to rely on. Honestly, it was past her bedtime. Not many kids would be sitting this still at the end of the day.

February

So, yesterday was the first? I missed it. My life was so full of stuff yesterday that I'm surprised I had time to breathe.

So, today will be my first. Today was the day I flipped my calendar. Actually, today was the day I hung up my new calendar for the year. My 2010 calendar also included January 2011, so I had time to buy a new one. Which was nice, until I remembered that I hadn't bought one. Last Friday. When I frantically ordered one from Amazon. The only good thing about waiting was that it was 50% off.

My mom gave me a little calendar for Christmas. It's a zen calendar. It has peaceful images and words for each month. This month it says calm. I should work on being calm this month.

We dealt with a sick child on Sunday and Monday, so I'm glad she got well and started off the new month right. I'm not even sure what she had, but it wasn't fun because she couldn't keep anything down. Sick kids are so sad, too. Her usual self is running around, talking a mile a minute, telling me everything she knows, doing 10 things at one time. She went from that to laying around and sleeping all day. Complete and total opposite from herself. I would have traded her for that just so I wouldn't have to see her feeling so bad.

So, now that the month has started off busy, but good, I expect it to fly by. Just like every other month seems to do. The years really do pass quickly the older you get. And time always seems to mean more to you year after year. These are the days.

February 1, 2011

Joy of Love | Day 1

{I'm backtracking on some posts, so while the date has been altered, please know you didn't miss something by accident}

I am participating in a photography workshop through Willette for the month of February.

It is called The Joy of Love and each day I receive photo prompts and assignments to complete to help me work on my photography and also capture some unique photos of my loved ones.

Day 1: What They Do

Joy of Love - Day 1

Yesterday Morgen was sick. She hardly ever gets sick, so she is still recovering. Every evening before bed we spend 30 minutes snuggling in my bed while she watches whatever program we can find on TV. While she always seems to carry a look of concern, she doesn't always look this sad.

Snuggling; this is what we do.

January 26, 2011

Tripping on a leap of faith

You know how some days you wake up trying to be so positive and then something happens to mess you up, right from the beginning?

Yesterday was one of those days. I woke up feeling great. I was well rested. Then I got to work and walked through our turnstiles and it came back around and caught my left heel. I wanted to scream and cry at the same time. But I couldn't. Because I was at work and other people were around.

From that point on everything went downhill. I got a bad headache. I felt sick because of it. I had a ton of work to get done. Even when I left work it didn't get any better. I just wanted to get home so I could take something for the migraine that was beating me into the ground. But, traffic got in the way. Unusual traffic. A bad accident that crushed the rear end of a car so bad that the trunk and back seat had become one with each other.

Then I realized that, despite my throbbing head, someone else had a worse day than I did.

I've tried extra hard to be positive lately. To not let doubt and negativity consume me. Not everything is as bad as it seems. Let go and move on. Stop worrying so much. Stop letting things you can't control, control YOU.

Kevin and I have let go of a lot of things lately. We are doing better because of it. Not that we were doing bad, but a lot of our conversation was about negativity and what was going on in our lives was trying to drag us down.

We started thinking more positive a few weeks ago and a lot has changed.

I think I'm liking the changes. And I will like the changes that have yet to come.

I want to share a secret. I know I don't share a lot of pictures on here, but I do take pictures. I love to take pictures. I take pictures of other people more than I take pictures of my own family, but I take pictures nonetheless. And I am leaning on that talent that I have. And I am churning ideas. And I am going to take a step that might make or break me. But, I think my photography-side-hobby is about to become something bigger. And I have a huge support system.

So, I'm just going to dive in the deep end. And pray I don't drown.

January 19, 2011

House plants

We moved a few months ago into a place of our own. We both came from houses where we lived with our family. I used to have a cat. Kevin used to have to deal with 2 dogs 3 dogs and a cat (they keep multiplying). I got rid of my cat because I felt like I couldn't give her the attention she needed. That's not fair to an animal. I found her a home and I hope she is doing well.

I love animals. Mostly I'm a dog person, but I've had dogs, cats, fish, hamsters, and I think that's about it. Growing up I always had an animal. My mom and dad still have an animal. That's just how it was. Kids love animals. My kids love animals. But, we don't have a pet.

Kevin and I decided that we needed a break from animals. Dealing with 3 hairy, loud labs is enough to drive anyone crazy. They act like kids sometimes, they chase each other, they fight over toys. It's quite comical, but it's not for us. So, we decided no pets. Not even a fish.

We went grocery shopping at Walmart a few weeks ago and we went to the garden center for something completely opposite of what I ended up getting. I picked out a house plant. Now, I'm not super great at watering anything that doesn't signal to me it needs care. But, I'm working on it. I put it in our window in our kitchen so I can see it every day. So far, it's still living. I've watered it once.

Kevin said I was on my own with this one. I hope I don't kill it. Maybe he will let me have a few more if I do a good job. We can slowly work ourselves up to having an animal. I mean, kids are kind of like animals, and the kids are still alive.



*I'm just joking about the kid part. Well, yes, they are still alive. But, we don't treat them like animals or house plants. Just to make that clear.

January 18, 2011

A different filing system

I've had a very hard time with a lot of things lately. They are hard to explain, but sometimes 'having a hard time' is just how I deal with things. Sure, I can write it out, talk it out, or maybe even just forget about it. But, that's not me either. Those things don't always take care of the lingering issues that stay completely unresolved in the back of my mind. It just makes me push them away time and again without having a real solution to really get over it.

So, I've been distancing myself from everything. I've been going back to basics with how to deal with issues. I've made a sort of organizational system in my brain. Sorting what really matters, what I really have significant problems with, and things that shouldn't concern me, things that I have no control over. It seems to be working somewhat. My mentality has definitely changed, which is a great start.

One of the things that is a real issue for me right now is my job. I have a significant problem with it. I have control over what I do about it, though. And instead of complaining about it, I have been proactive about doing something about it.

This past weekend I had a physical agility test for a local police department. I was excited about it, I was thinking positive about it, I felt like this was for me. I showed up, and I tried my best, but I didn't make it past the first hurdle. I had to run 1.5 miles under a certain time. I had a lot of things against me. It was cold outside (exceptionally cold), I hadn't run in months, and when I started running I realized that the stitch in my side had other plans for me.

I cried the whole way home. The hot tears burned my frozen cheeks. I turned up the radio to distract me, but the songs just made me cry even more. I questioned myself. A lot. Was this for me? Did I really want to do this? I had no answers. I just felt defeated. The only thing I was sure of was that I had tried my hardest and I had kept pushing myself because if I gave up I was just giving up on myself. I didn't want to give up on myself. Because this was for no one else. This was just for me.

When I got home I cried some more. I got it out of my system. I was mad, I was upset, I was sad. I let all of those emotions rush over me and then I took control.

Sunday we went to church. I felt better about the day before. Truly better. When we got home we went for a run. I was so sore from exerting myself Saturday, but it felt good to try again, slowly. It felt good to not feel defeated. It felt good to be doing the very thing that I failed at the day before. We walked and ran 1.5 miles in about 30 minutes. It felt good. And it's been a while since I haven't given in to defeat.

So, I now file Saturday away as something I have control over to change. Not something that changed me. I have 18 weeks to prepare again for that same physical agility test. I'm going to own it. I just know. I know that I'm trying hard to control how I feel about where I am in life and I control the change to get me elsewhere. It feels good.

January 10, 2011

Seasons of life

Kevin and I have been really fixated on something we heard on the radio Saturday. But, before I elaborate, let me take you back to where it began.

Friday was a hard day for me. Not only did the day drag on at work, but when I got home I felt empty. I was hesitant to fix supper for fear that the kids wouldn't like it (we've been having dinner table drama lately). I was behind on laundry, watching it overflow from the basket in our room. I was mentally exhausted from a short, yet very long, first week back at work after the holidays. I was burnt out. I didn't even know what to feel, really.

We made it through supper, through the mountain of clothes, through the dishes. I put Morgen to bed and tried to catch up with various things online. Bills were paid, I browsed online for a bit, I got tired. I was talking to Kevin about how I'm still struggling with the whole "step-parent" thing. Trying to get accustomed to someone else's child as though they are your own is hard. Not only are your feelings involved, but the child's feelings are involved, too. And we have definitely had our ups and downs with that whole situation. I told Kevin that I wasn't sure what to do, and he gave me the ultimate answer.

Let's pray about it.

In the 2 and a half some years that I have been with him, we have always tried to solve our problems in other ways. But, he simplified it for me. And to hear that come from him was amazing. I just needed someone to remind me of what I should have been doing all along.

Saturday we all went grocery shopping as a family. We had the radio playing Christian music and we were all content and quiet in the car. We heard a commercial come on, keeping on subject with the radio station, and it started talking about seasons of life. Kevin asked me if I heard it, and I hadn't, so he explained to me what the woman had said. He explained that I was going through seasons, and how all of them may not have been through Him, but that He still loved me anyway. It really made me think. I need a new season to my life, and I want Him involved.

We've been listening to that radio station every time we get in the car. It calms me. I can't even begin to explain how it makes me feel. Kevin and I have had more conversations about this "season" and I'm beginning to understand. I'm working on taking a season to think about me. To ask for help from Him for all the things I need. To place my stress on Him.

This is very different for me. A step outside of the box. I'm still clumsy in my faith, but I want to change that. And there's no better time than now. In this new season of my life.

January 7, 2011

Until next time

I'm normally terrible at finding shoes. You would think quite the opposite if you saw how many shoes I had. But, you would also observe that I have a few pairs of shoes that are the same. Just in another color. I have to take full advantage when I find something I like.

Yesterday I went to my favorite store, Target, to look for some inexpensive, flat boots. I only have boots with a heel, and they don't like icy or wet conditions. I'm not a tennis shoe girl, either. My only other option was ballet flats. My feet cringe at the thought of ballet flats on a cold, rainy day.

Well, as hard as it is for me to find and like any pair of shoes, I found some. Within 30 minutes. After I had combed all of the shoes to make sure I knew what options I had. To top it all off, they are kids sized boots. They don't look like a pair of kids shoes at all, but they sure were priced like them.

There are days when I complain about having small feet. They just don't make small shoes for women. It's like small feet are unheard of. But, the one time it pays off makes it all worthwhile. So, I'm back to loving my small feet. At least until the next time I have to look for shoes.

January 6, 2011

You Capture | The Years Best

I don't make new years resolutions. I don't. Really. But, I want to try to be better about taking pictures this year. I love to take pictures, so why I don't do it more often is really beyond me. And I really love what Beth does every week over at her blog. So, I want to be better about it. Be accountable for it. And do something I really do love to do.

Looking back, I really did take a lot of pictures this year. Here are my 10 best pictures (according to me).


{Just barely 2 years old, learning to throw snowballs}





{Wide open spaces}





{The best of summer 2010}







{Panther Falls, Buena Vista, Virginia}



{All american}



{All in the family}


You can share your best photos of 2010 here.

January 5, 2011

Hi.

I realize that I have neglected to post pictures on my blog since I started it at the beginning of November. I have a reason for doing that. I am overcoming that reason, but I still mainly post from my phone. My phone doesn't have a camera. Do you want to know why? I promise it's not because I am boring and plain. I have a fancy phone. {It does have internet, after all}

I have a full time job {other than being a momma} that is top secret. No. Not really. But, almost. I just have a job that deals with sensitive information, therefore I can't have a phone with a camera on it AND be able to bring it into work with me. Losing my job is not in the cards for me right now. So, I play by the rules. Good thing Blackberry was so gracious to make a phone sans camera.

Back to the whole thing about pictures, though. I love to take pictures. Sharing them is just a whole other battle. I don't even share them on Facebook sometimes. I normally get on the computer to pay bills, check this or that and then I'm done. I'm on a computer all day at work, and well, it's not appealing when I get home. Supper and bed are more appealing. Spending time with the kids is more appealing. It's just what happens.

I do want to introduce you to someone, though.


{Left to right: Kevin, Matthew, Morgen, Christie}


I have a blended family. We go very well together. I hope you can put a face to a name now. I'm not good with faces and names, but hopefully you are better.

I just wanted to say hello, though. Put myself out there. Be vulnerable. Live on the edge.

January 4, 2011

January

I'm 4 days late from the first of the month.

This year is about change. As is any new year with me. Last year I changed my weight. This year I want to change my weight again and also some other things. I don't make new years resolutions, though. Just new years ideas. Change is on going. Change is inevitable.

I've had a lot going on in my life lately. I've been trying to let go of things, grasp on to something else for a change. I haven't gotten very far. I have road blocks that get placed by different things. And my life has become a cryptic mess.

Money is the root of all evil. And so is divorce. And credit reports. The last two are totally fully related to money. So, here's to scratching out the past and moving forward with the new. I'll be 25 this year, moving straight forward into the second half of my 20s. Scary, but yet slightly thrilling at the same time.

Here's to another year.