The new me; outgoing & bossy

I hate to argue. The only time I'll do it is when I'm certain that my point is a fact. Sometimes not even then.

I don't really know of anything I'm truly passionate about. Mostly because I feel that in order to reach a level of passion, you actually have to know a lot about the subject. So, why argue about something when I don't know everything about it?

I don't value my opinion enough to put myself out there most of the time. That's just how I am.

Despite how much I don't like to argue, I did it yesterday. It wasn't really an argument as much as it was me trying to understand someone else's feelings. I'm not insensitive. I just try not to let my past dictate my future. Which is what the argument was all about. Therefore, being sensitive to the subject was not something I was doing. I took offense to it.

Last night we went to small group. We are currently finding our Niche. It's a wonderful personality profile unlike any I've ever done before.

We took assessments last night. We checked off our strengths and weaknesses. Sometimes I was stumped at which choice to choose. How do you label strengths without seeming too cocky? Same with weaknesses. Do you really want to admit you are a brassy person, or that you're overly negative?

Once we were all done we found out what our choices said about each of us.

And here's the shocker.

My selections revealed my personality as outgoing and demanding. Kevin's selections revealed he was reserved and shy and organized!

It was funny, because we both believe ourselves to be complete opposite of what this test showed us. And we are complete opposite of one another.

But, I love that about us. It's about balance. We balance each other out.

And while we did have an argument yesterday, it was resolved. Resolved with good news. With good outcome. As are most of our stupid arguments. But that's the balance we have.

We're opposites that compliment one another. Even when I do feel the need to show my outgoing, bossy side to get my point across.

Socially worn

Today feels like a Friday. But it's not.

The week has been long. The week has been loud. Both inside and out.

I've had a lot of arguments with myself this week. Mostly over stupid stuff. I like to have stupid arguments with myself rather than with others. It just makes more sense that way. I can end it at any time and not feel obligated to apologize.

I haven't felt like much of a social, people-person this week. I have nice things to say, but I just don't wish to put forth the effort. Some people haven't deserved my effort this week. Some people have thoroughly annoyed me this week. With how loud they've been. How inconsiderate they've been.

For those that have deserved it, they have been graced with it.

I've always been the type of person to think of others before myself. I find a lot of satisfaction in doing that. However, I don't think the majority of others do the same. I know of people who think they are so quaint and considerate, but really, they're not. Let me tape record you for a day.

The truth hurts. And it's ugly.

And I'm not just blowing smoke up my own butt. I really do think of others before myself. And it's not that easy for me to admit.

Today has been full. I've had my fill. I'm socially worn out.

People, sometimes, are the worst thing that can happen to me all day.

Tripping on a leap of faith

You know how some days you wake up trying to be so positive and then something happens to mess you up, right from the beginning?

Yesterday was one of those days. I woke up feeling great. I was well rested. Then I got to work and walked through our turnstiles and it came back around and caught my left heel. I wanted to scream and cry at the same time. But I couldn't. Because I was at work and other people were around.

From that point on everything went downhill. I got a bad headache. I felt sick because of it. I had a ton of work to get done. Even when I left work it didn't get any better. I just wanted to get home so I could take something for the migraine that was beating me into the ground. But, traffic got in the way. Unusual traffic. A bad accident that crushed the rear end of a car so bad that the trunk and back seat had become one with each other.

Then I realized that, despite my throbbing head, someone else had a worse day than I did.

I've tried extra hard to be positive lately. To not let doubt and negativity consume me. Not everything is as bad as it seems. Let go and move on. Stop worrying so much. Stop letting things you can't control, control YOU.

Kevin and I have let go of a lot of things lately. We are doing better because of it. Not that we were doing bad, but a lot of our conversation was about negativity and what was going on in our lives was trying to drag us down.

We started thinking more positive a few weeks ago and a lot has changed.

I think I'm liking the changes. And I will like the changes that have yet to come.

I want to share a secret. I know I don't share a lot of pictures on here, but I do take pictures. I love to take pictures. I take pictures of other people more than I take pictures of my own family, but I take pictures nonetheless. And I am leaning on that talent that I have. And I am churning ideas. And I am going to take a step that might make or break me. But, I think my photography-side-hobby is about to become something bigger. And I have a huge support system.

So, I'm just going to dive in the deep end. And pray I don't drown.

Until next time

I'm normally terrible at finding shoes. You would think quite the opposite if you saw how many shoes I had. But, you would also observe that I have a few pairs of shoes that are the same. Just in another color. I have to take full advantage when I find something I like.

Yesterday I went to my favorite store, Target, to look for some inexpensive, flat boots. I only have boots with a heel, and they don't like icy or wet conditions. I'm not a tennis shoe girl, either. My only other option was ballet flats. My feet cringe at the thought of ballet flats on a cold, rainy day.

Well, as hard as it is for me to find and like any pair of shoes, I found some. Within 30 minutes. After I had combed all of the shoes to make sure I knew what options I had. To top it all off, they are kids sized boots. They don't look like a pair of kids shoes at all, but they sure were priced like them.

There are days when I complain about having small feet. They just don't make small shoes for women. It's like small feet are unheard of. But, the one time it pays off makes it all worthwhile. So, I'm back to loving my small feet. At least until the next time I have to look for shoes.

Hi.

I realize that I have neglected to post pictures on my blog since I started it at the beginning of November. I have a reason for doing that. I am overcoming that reason, but I still mainly post from my phone. My phone doesn't have a camera. Do you want to know why? I promise it's not because I am boring and plain. I have a fancy phone. {It does have internet, after all}

I have a full time job {other than being a momma} that is top secret. No. Not really. But, almost. I just have a job that deals with sensitive information, therefore I can't have a phone with a camera on it AND be able to bring it into work with me. Losing my job is not in the cards for me right now. So, I play by the rules. Good thing Blackberry was so gracious to make a phone sans camera.

Back to the whole thing about pictures, though. I love to take pictures. Sharing them is just a whole other battle. I don't even share them on Facebook sometimes. I normally get on the computer to pay bills, check this or that and then I'm done. I'm on a computer all day at work, and well, it's not appealing when I get home. Supper and bed are more appealing. Spending time with the kids is more appealing. It's just what happens.

I do want to introduce you to someone, though.


{Left to right: Kevin, Matthew, Morgen, Christie}

I have a blended family. We go very well together. I hope you can put a face to a name now. I'm not good with faces and names, but hopefully you are better.

I just wanted to say hello, though. Put myself out there. Be vulnerable. Live on the edge.

January

I'm 4 days late from the first of the month.

This year is about change. As is any new year with me. Last year I changed my weight. This year I want to change my weight again and also some other things. I don't make new years resolutions, though. Just new years ideas. Change is on going. Change is inevitable.

I've had a lot going on in my life lately. I've been trying to let go of things, grasp on to something else for a change. I haven't gotten very far. I have road blocks that get placed by different things. And my life has become a cryptic mess.

Money is the root of all evil. And so is divorce. And credit reports. The last two are totally fully related to money. So, here's to scratching out the past and moving forward with the new. I'll be 25 this year, moving straight forward into the second half of my 20s. Scary, but yet slightly thrilling at the same time.

Here's to another year.

You stuck your finger where?

I got my hair permed on Wednesday night. A little time to myself to be a grown up. A little time to myself to do something on my own. A little time to go crazy with my hair.

It's interesting. This hair of mine. I have thin hair, but I have a lot of thin hair. So, I got my full head of hair curled. Permanently. Until it grows out.

I wasn't scared. Not one bit.

In high school, I got my first perm when I was either 14 or 15. I remember my first perm wasn't exactly what I envisioned. I'd never had one before, so no one was really sure how my hair would react. Well, my hair doesn't hold a spiral curl. I know that for a fact. Who knows how much perm solution that would take. Also, I was young and I didn't care about my hair the way I do now, 10 years later. I remember that school picture that year. Yikes.

Then I got my second perm when I was 17. Just in time for my senior pictures. Those were my favorite pictures. They turned out so well and I loved my hair. So, that totally made up for the jacked up first perm syndrome I had. I took much better care of my hair and you could tell.

Then I forgot about perms until after I had Morgen. A month after Morgen was born I went to get another perm. It turned out great and I loved my hair for a few months. Then I cut it all off. I have a horrible habit of taking stress out on my hair. It has been every color and cut imaginable.

If I'm bald one day, please refer me back to this post. Thanks.

So, it's been almost 3 years since I last had a perm. I made a good decision. I like it a lot. It looks good on me. And I will admit that Thursday I kept waiting for someone to ask me if I'd stuck my finger in an electrical socket. It never happened. I'm very relieved.

An Etsy Christmas wish list

This year I asked for gifts that didn't require much thought. We really need a new set of dishes, another set of sheets, simple things like that. I always ask for something that can benefit us as a family. I never seem to ask for something just for myself. It doesn't seem right. Maybe it's because I'm an adult. Maybe it's because I really, subconsciously know that I don't need anything.

But, every once in a while I run across stuff that I adore. I'd never ask for it and I'd probably never even buy any of it for myself, but this is a list of things I would want if I thought about just myself for once:

- A beautiful serving bowl to sit on the island in my kitchen.

- Earrings to make me feel elegant.

- This bright, cheerful shirt looks like it's comfy and work casual.

- I really love earrings and I don't have many pairs, but these simple studs would get worn almost every day, I'm sure.

- This wool tote matches my eclectic style. I have been in love with mustard yellow lately.

- Ok, so I guess I like earrings. How about some little sugar drop vintage glass ones?

- I really need something to put all of my jewelry in. I thought this was beautiful.

Maybe some day I will buy one of these items for myself. Maybe not. It is always fun to browse. There is less of a knot in the bottom of my stomach when I browse than when I purchase. Window shopping keeps me out of trouble and helps me spend money on other things. But, that's my Christmas list. If there ever was such a thing.

Two years

Two years ago today, I started the final stages of a very difficult time in my life.

Two years ago today, I was someone completely different. I have a hard time remembering who that person was, but it has been pushed out of my memory for a reason. A reason that I am more comfortable talking about now, since time has passed.

I clearly remember what happened on this day two years ago. I woke up feeling like things had started to get better and that I could breathe again. I guess I took those relieving breathes too soon. Because that evening spun out of control. I felt a tight grip of my reality on my throat and I wasn't sure what to do. I was suffocating in my own life.

Let me take you back and catch you up to where I had been. In June 2008, I decided that I'd had enough. I realized what was happening to me and I wanted to end it. I wasn't myself anymore. I was just a shell of a body. Every day I had someone telling me how lazy I was. How I needed to get help for postpartum depression. Every day I was ignored when I requested empathy and attention. It wore me down to nothing. I thought everything was my fault. I honestly thought something terrible was wrong with me.

So, I moved on in June. Yes, a relationship. A relationship outside of my marriage. Something that my faith knew was wrong. Something that my mind knew was wrong. But, something that my heart needed so badly. I never looked back on the decision I made. I made my bed and I will lie in it forever. But, that's not the point.

Come December I had been through a lot. Turns out that being honest with my husband wasn't what would set me free. There was a lot of trouble from that, but this day, two years ago, I thought things were looking up. I hadn't seen him all day. So, I went about my own business with my daughter. That night is when things got crazy. Reality slapped me in the face. I never again thought that any of this would be easy.

I never thought that as a mother I would have fought for custody of my child. I never thought that someone would follow me everywhere I went and know everything I was doing. I never thought that my child would be taken from me, placed in front of me to see but not touch. I never thought that anyone would think, let alone voice, that my child would be told I didn't exist. I had no idea what I would be put through, by someone I had loved so much and gave every ounce of myself to.

For a year of this journey, my life was restricted. I was only allowed to do so much. My child couldn't be seen by anyone that wasn't related to her. I was told to stay home and keep to myself. It was hard. It hurt me more knowing that my child had to go through all of this, too. That she had to see her mother hurting.

Things have gotten a lot better in the past two years. I still struggle with a lot of the idealisms that were put in my head years ago, but I understand them and I know I can overcome them. I have less of a grip from someone else leading my life for me. I lead my life now. I still have boundaries, but I know they won't be there forever.

I have a family again. Even though it isn't a family on paper, it is a family in my heart. One that loves each other and treats each other how they should be treated.

The only thing that hasn't changed in the past two years is my marital status. I'm still married. Not legally separated. Not divorced. Just still married and haven't lived together since 2008. It's still hard because of that. I struggle with it every day. I've paid countless dollars towards this divorce. But, I don't let that stop me from living. Even though it does stop me from doing a lot of things with my life. I'm just waiting. My faith in my heart tells me that there is still a plan for me. I hope that is right.

While there are many, many details that I could never write down that do have a place in this story of my life, I feel as though my point has gotten across. Not that I don't want to share, but most things I have blocked from my mind. Terrible, terrible things. Just know that everyone makes mistakes. We live and we learn. We forgive, even if we don't forget. I have forgiven, too. It has taken a while for me to forgive, but I have. I have feeling again. I'm no longer numb.

I speak up for abuse. I speak up for myself. I have become a better person for it. I love who I have become. I was meant for the pain because we are given what we can handle. I think I've handled it well.

Running away can be a good thing

I find it very hard to have the right attitude lately. About anything, really. Work, myself, my child, my life. Starting a few months ago, it all began to go downhill. Work is damaging to me. I begin to feel stress before I even sit at my desk. I begin to feel stress while en route to work. Just the thought of it consumes my mind in worry.

I'm also stressed with my health lately. I have been trying to eat better and figure out what is wrong with my stomach, but I just can't narrow it down. Everything I eat makes my stomach knot up. Which makes me not want to eat. Which isn't healthy at all.

I feel a very overwhelming urge to run. Run in a very rough, heavy sort of way. Run like I'm running from someone or something. I just don't have time to do it. Between working long hours, keeping a house and tending to a child, I just don't have time. No time for myself.

I took the day off yesterday. I did one thing for myself. I took my toenail polish off. Normally I am fine with not having time to do anything for myself. I enjoy putting others first. But, lately, I'm screaming at myself on the inside. Screaming at myself to calm down and to take an extra 5 minutes for me. I never listen.

I blog during the day from my phone because I don't have the time or energy at night to do it. It takes me a while. Little 5 minute spurts. I get my point across, though. It all comes together.

Normally, I don't complain about not having any time for me. I love to do stuff for everyone else instead. It makes me happy. But with the stress I have been feeling I haven't had any release and I have noticed how often I don't have time for myself.

I just really want time to run. To breathe in the cold air. To feel the cold wind on my cheeks. To let go of frustrations. It would be so nice.

In my skin

I find that I'm a weird sort of creature. I feel weird things and I think weird things. Sometimes I think it's because my mind overworks itself. Other times I think it's because my mind wanders. A lot.

Either way, it happens. And I think I have a real case of OCD more times than I just joke about it.

I've tried to be one of those people that takes showers at night before bed, then wakes up in the morning to style my hair, put on some make up, get dressed and be out the door in 30 minutes. I find that I'm much happier in my skin if I take a shower in the morning, blow dry my hair, put on some make up, get dressed and be out the door in 45 minutes to an hour. I feel more comfortable throughout the rest of the day.

If I shower at night and just get dressed in the morning, I feel like a grease monkey by lunch time. It never fails. Even if I go to the bathroom to check how bad I feel like I look and see that I look horrible just fine. I can't seem to shake that feeling, like I need a shower. I've gone home from work before because I've felt that way. Just an indescribable feeling to take a shower.

Some days, I feel fat. Terrible fat. Like bloated, air-filled fat. I will feel like everything I try on is too small and doesn't fit right. Eventually I will give up and just pick something, anything. The whole day I will feel frumpy and large. Even if I go to the bathroom to check how fat I feel like I look and see that I look humongous just fine. Skinny, even. I can't seem to shake that feeling, like I weigh 200 pounds.

Do you see a trend?

Some days, I just feel so out of my skin. Like I don't fit within myself. I will feel so uncomfortable on so many different levels that it makes my head hurt. But, what can I do? The mirror doesn't lie, but the mirror doesn't judge either. I judge myself.

I wish I could be so much more comfortable in my skin. I wish I could wear stretchy yoga pants all day with an over sized t-shirt, with my hair pulled up into a messy ponytail, with no make up on, and no judging. No icky feeling from inside myself. The OCD person that wants to feel comfortable 100% of the time.

The truth is, I feel uncomfortable 100% of the time. For no reason.

I'm sure I'm not the only one that feels this way. Although sometimes I wonder. My life is weird and I know this. My humor is weird, too. If you ever have to see or hear it, I apologize in advance.

Thankful

I tried to write a post today on negativity. Then I accidentally erased it. So, obviously I need to move on.

Thursday I started feeling the twangs of a UTI. I'm really disappointed because I'm pretty sure I do have a UTI. I'm also pretty sure I don't have any time to go to the doctor to get some medicine for it. It's a holiday week. I have plans.

So, I'm drinking nothing but water or juice (very, very limited amounts of juice) to see if it might flush itself out of my system. And I know I'm pushing the envelope with what comes next. Kidney infections are nothing to mess with, but I really do not have time to see a doctor this week.

I've realized that I haven't been sick in a while and I'm thankful for that just as much as I am confused by it. Normally stress means I automatically catch every bug going around. Maybe my tolerance has built up some. I'm not sure, but I'm going to knock on wood.

I was going to go back to the whole negativity thing and explain how I'm going to be a bit more happy from now on, but I'm afraid of accidentally deleting this post, too. But, just know, something spoke to me this morning when I tried to be negative on facebook. I'm a thankful person. So, I'll be doing more of that.

Being thankful for what I've got and where I am. Because that's all that matters right now.

I'm intolerable at times

I've done really good with writing posts since I created this new blog. I'm not even sure what number I am on when it comes to counting how many blogs I have tried to have. I think this one has been easier since I haven't yet shared it with the world. I haven't announced it. I've just been writing. To no one.

I've been writing in the mornings, too. Which means my mind is fresh and the stresses of the day haven't caught up with me yet. I really like that. That stress-free feeling.

Today I will be buying the dry goods for Thanksgiving supper. Just so I'm not completely last minute with everything. We will be having a lot of food and enjoying the company of family. Our tradition is to roast a duck. With orange glaze. It always turns out so well. We roast one for Thanksgiving as well as Christmas. Along with the usual dishes, too. There will still be a turkey. We can't have Thanksgiving without one.

I love enjoying leftover turkey sandwiches after Thanksgiving.

On a slightly different note, I'm sad to say that I think my body has been having a hard time dealing with dairy lately. I have had some symptoms of lactose intolerance.

I've had coffee with creamer and cereal with milk every day this past week for breakfast. Each time I've enjoyed those things I've had stomach issues. Not gross stomach issues, just not normal issues. Like bloating, gurgling, and other simple issues. But ones that I've found annoying and very uncomfortable. Especially at work.

I'm not sure if that is the case, but there is only one way to find out. And I'm scared to eliminate something that big from my diet. But, I know it could be done.

I'm so excited for the impending holidays. Making new memories and traditions. I love my family and spending time with them. It's always so extra special. So much happiness.

I'm real

Yesterday was a mess. My emotions were everywhere. So, I'm going to be real in this post.

I don't regret things. I think the only thing I ever do regret is not going to college right out of high school. But, I have a job, so that is something that I more than often don't worry about.

I try to live my life in a way that makes myself happy as well as certain other people in my life. Because I definitely would not want to ever make a decision that impacted a lot of people in a negative way. Even though I have, on multiple occasions. Sometimes you have to weigh your options, though. Do you want to move forward, to do something for yourself for once, or hold back for the fear of what others might think?

And sometimes I do care too much about what others might think.

Well, two years ago I made the decision to get divorced. I'm still trying to get divorced now. It has been stressful, but it is what I wanted and where I felt moved to go. Seven years ago, I met a person that changed who I was. That held me back. So, I made a choice for myself this time. In the past two years I have gained myself back, and that was worth every ounce of stress I have been put through.

But, yesterdays emotions really stemmed from all of that. I realized that even though I have my old self back, I don't have my freedom back. I'm still tied down because of a little piece of paper that has my named signed to it.

And then I wonder, am I a failure? Is there still a plan for me?

I think I got my answer this morning. I think there is a plan for me still, despite my imperfections and mistakes. I think the plan for me right now is to wait. Wait patiently. Something that I have never been good at doing.

I'm not very strong in my faith (if that is the right choice of words), seeing as how I did start the divorce process, but faith is etched in my mind, silently, always. And I shall wait.

I hope that this was real, minus the intimate details. Because I want to be real. I am a real person and real things happen to me.

And I thought

I have a plant on my desk. It looks like a little tree. With lots of brown stems and green little leaves. It is hanging on by a thread and has been for some time.

I'm contemplating just letting it die off. So I can plant something else. But I feel so sorry for that little tree. Trying to survive in this stale aired office. I haven't watered it in a while. I can't even remember when the last time was.

I feel like I do that a lot in my life. Just give up on something and try to start over fresh. I've done it with blogs, projects, friends. People have even accused me of doing it to relationships. Maybe I have. But, I always put forth 110% before I give up on something.

Not everything works out like you would hope it to. No matter how much effort you put into something. There comes a point in every persons life when you have to decide which is worth more effort; moving on or trying to try harder.

In my case, right this very moment, I'm trying to decide the life of a plant. It's not important. It's not life threatening. It's not even life changing.

But, it crossed my mind.

Life is made up of those, though. Little, thoughtless decisions that we make everyday. Not that all of them don't require thought, but most of them are just every day motions. Sometimes they aren't. Sometimes they are big, horrendous decisions that eat at you.

But, you do what's best. And I'm happy to say that I have never regretted a single decision. Big or small.

Are you really what you eat?

Over the past year I have really struggled with self image. I have tried restricting my diet, I have tried counting out chips and weighing out chicken, and I have done a great deal towards getting active.

The one thing I really want though is to be healthy. I want to eat healthy, whole foods. But I have had a hard time doing that.

It is hard to determine what is healthy anymore. I have tried to do research, but I never end up finding what I had hoped. I am terrible with google. I feel like if you don't type in exactly what you hope to find then it will never be found. And I don't even know what I'm really looking for half the time.

I "like" a lot of pages on facebook. Some to do with music, some with health news and a few with natural pregnancy. The whole pregnancy thing has me fixated. I've had one child and I want more. How I have that next child has been greatly researched. That will have to be saved for another post, but my point with that is I found a pregnancy diet. And I want to follow it, to a certain extent, even though I'm not pregnant.

It is called The Brewer Diet and it deals with nutrition as a whole. That is exactly what I have been looking for. I found it without even looking for it.

I want to start at the beginning of the year. See how I adjust to it. Eat whole foods. Eat good foods. Not deprive myself. And this will be another notch in the belt of loving who I am. Maybe that little extra weight wouldn't be so bad if I knew I was eating better.

Maybe. Just maybe. It's worth giving it a try.

If you complain, remember to breathe

Personally, I think I complain a lot. Others have told me I don't, but when I do I try to make it a valid, justifiable complaint.

I don't complain "gosh, it's cold out here. Where did summer go?" and then have a full blown conversation about it. That's not how I complain. That's petty stuff. Stuff that can't be fixed. Or it could be fixed, if I'd just worn a jacket or something thicker. But, then it's my fault, and why should I complain about something I knowingly screwed up?

I normally complain about how stuff doesn't make sense. Like how talking behind someone's back doesn't make sense. Especially if you do it more than once. To their friend.

You know what I don't like about having a full time job? That it's a full time pity party to everyone. Everyone has a complaint. Meaningless, petty complains about stuff that either can't be fixed or they are too lazy to do something about.

Even myself sometimes. I will catch myself complaining about something and then, stop. Why am I here? What did I do to get here? And even sometimes, what can I do to get out of here?

I'm working on going back to school at the beginning of the year. I so very badly want to work in the health care industry. Even knowing that it might be going downhill. I want to be up and walking around all day, not stuck behind a desk. I want to see fresh faces every day, not the same ones. I have so many high hopes for a new job. A job that I know I need to work in order to stay on my feet.

You are probably wondering what is so complaint-y about this post. That wasn't my point. My point was to remember to breathe. Every day, every where, any time. Not everything is worth complaining about. Sometimes it's best to just sit in silence and keep your complaints to yourself. Only complain about what really matters. And then breathe, and move forward.

I need this. Every day.

New chapters

I like to beat up on myself. A lot. I find it much easier to get angry at myself or to put myself down than doing it to someone else. Even things I'm not at fault for.

I guess I'm a self-bully. I don't bully others. That does nothing for me. But, me, yeah, she deserves all the bullying in the world sometimes.

I've been in a very weird mood since yesterday. Something about unpacking boxes and being forced to look at your past. It floors me. It makes me beat myself up. It makes me just wish I'd thrown the whole box away. On accident. Just so I wouldn't have to torture myself. Rifle through something that doesn't even matter to me anymore.

Kevin said something to me yesterday that made me think of it in a different light. Just for a minute anyways. He told me that those chapters are behind me and that we're working on making our own new chapters. That I didn't have to worry about the way things were.

That put me at ease. A little. I still can't overcome this feeling. This attitude that I've taken against myself. I've gone from beating myself up over what was in a box to beating myself up because I was beating myself up. Does that make sense? No. Oh, well, welcome to my life.

I think the cold weather has me down. I know it's finally here to stay. I'm trying to get used to it. It's a good way to clear the cobwebs that gathered during the summer. And now that everything is unpacked and there are no more boxes of the past to go through, I can finally rest.

I just wish I could shake this attitude. How is it that I can be so pleasant on the outside and so hateful on the inside? To myself?

I wish I loved myself as much as I loved others. And I'm working on it. Honest.