The new me; outgoing & bossy

I hate to argue. The only time I'll do it is when I'm certain that my point is a fact. Sometimes not even then.

I don't really know of anything I'm truly passionate about. Mostly because I feel that in order to reach a level of passion, you actually have to know a lot about the subject. So, why argue about something when I don't know everything about it?

I don't value my opinion enough to put myself out there most of the time. That's just how I am.

Despite how much I don't like to argue, I did it yesterday. It wasn't really an argument as much as it was me trying to understand someone else's feelings. I'm not insensitive. I just try not to let my past dictate my future. Which is what the argument was all about. Therefore, being sensitive to the subject was not something I was doing. I took offense to it.

Last night we went to small group. We are currently finding our Niche. It's a wonderful personality profile unlike any I've ever done before.

We took assessments last night. We checked off our strengths and weaknesses. Sometimes I was stumped at which choice to choose. How do you label strengths without seeming too cocky? Same with weaknesses. Do you really want to admit you are a brassy person, or that you're overly negative?

Once we were all done we found out what our choices said about each of us.

And here's the shocker.

My selections revealed my personality as outgoing and demanding. Kevin's selections revealed he was reserved and shy and organized!

It was funny, because we both believe ourselves to be complete opposite of what this test showed us. And we are complete opposite of one another.

But, I love that about us. It's about balance. We balance each other out.

And while we did have an argument yesterday, it was resolved. Resolved with good news. With good outcome. As are most of our stupid arguments. But that's the balance we have.

We're opposites that compliment one another. Even when I do feel the need to show my outgoing, bossy side to get my point across.

Socially worn

Today feels like a Friday. But it's not.

The week has been long. The week has been loud. Both inside and out.

I've had a lot of arguments with myself this week. Mostly over stupid stuff. I like to have stupid arguments with myself rather than with others. It just makes more sense that way. I can end it at any time and not feel obligated to apologize.

I haven't felt like much of a social, people-person this week. I have nice things to say, but I just don't wish to put forth the effort. Some people haven't deserved my effort this week. Some people have thoroughly annoyed me this week. With how loud they've been. How inconsiderate they've been.

For those that have deserved it, they have been graced with it.

I've always been the type of person to think of others before myself. I find a lot of satisfaction in doing that. However, I don't think the majority of others do the same. I know of people who think they are so quaint and considerate, but really, they're not. Let me tape record you for a day.

The truth hurts. And it's ugly.

And I'm not just blowing smoke up my own butt. I really do think of others before myself. And it's not that easy for me to admit.

Today has been full. I've had my fill. I'm socially worn out.

People, sometimes, are the worst thing that can happen to me all day.

He loves me, he loves me not

I remember back when I was in elementary school, everyone passed out Valentine's Day cards, secretly, into little brown bags that we had decorated the week before. It was so much fun to see who gave you the cards with candy attached. Or how many of the same card you got in your bag.

Sometimes I wish Valentine's Day was still like that. Simple.

We don't celebrate Valentine's Day (note: we don't buy each other gifts), because we believe that everyday is a day of love. You don't need a card to say it. You don't need flowers to say it. You just need a heart. You can say it with words or say it with actions. No gift required. Everyday. Whenever the mood strikes you.



I order some earrings from Etsy a week ago and they arrived right on Valentine's Day. Perfect timing.

I hope you had a simple Valentine's Day, too. So full of love.

Precious, precious

This last week has been a hard one. Not directly, but indirectly. The events that have taken place have been fuzzy, but that's because the difficulty of the situation could happen to anyone. At anytime. Including me.

I have a few friends. Although some of those people I am ashamed to call friends because there are times when I distance myself from everyone and everything. Two of those friends were pregnant at the same time. Both due within weeks of each other. They are friends to each other. But, the similarities of their expanding families was not something that was planned.

Two weeks ago my very best friend had her baby. Three days after that my other friend had her baby. Both had girls. They both weighed the same. They were both born during daylight hours. But, that's where the similarities stopped.

The second friends' baby had some complications. She stayed in the hospital. She was transferred to a different hospital to better support her. And then transferred once more. A tiny life putting up an awesomely huge fight. It amazes me how something so small can fight so hard. That's the true power of God.

Everyone was praying for this little girl. Praying to keep her strong. Praying to keep the family strong. Praying that God would intervene and keep this baby breathing. The power of prayer was and still is awesome for this baby and her family.

She fought for six whole days. And then God decided that he had other plans for her.

I continue to pray for my friend and her husband every day. And while I can't fully imagine even the slightest what pain they are going through, I sympathize so much with them. I have a child. And every day that I pray for them, their loss weighs on me more and more. It's so hard to even begin to touch the reason why God had this plan for that baby's life. But, you just have to know that He did it for a reason beyond our control.

I'm hoping today will bring some closure to this difficult week. For them and for me. I don't think I can look at the kids the same anymore, though. I think it will soften my heart with them. I think it will make me even more grateful that I have them. Because not everyone is blessed in the same way as me. Not everyone gets to wish every baby they've had a happy first birthday.

Life is very precious. Please take a moment to pray for my friend's family today.

A different filing system

I've had a very hard time with a lot of things lately. They are hard to explain, but sometimes 'having a hard time' is just how I deal with things. Sure, I can write it out, talk it out, or maybe even just forget about it. But, that's not me either. Those things don't always take care of the lingering issues that stay completely unresolved in the back of my mind. It just makes me push them away time and again without having a real solution to really get over it.

So, I've been distancing myself from everything. I've been going back to basics with how to deal with issues. I've made a sort of organizational system in my brain. Sorting what really matters, what I really have significant problems with, and things that shouldn't concern me, things that I have no control over. It seems to be working somewhat. My mentality has definitely changed, which is a great start.

One of the things that is a real issue for me right now is my job. I have a significant problem with it. I have control over what I do about it, though. And instead of complaining about it, I have been proactive about doing something about it.

This past weekend I had a physical agility test for a local police department. I was excited about it, I was thinking positive about it, I felt like this was for me. I showed up, and I tried my best, but I didn't make it past the first hurdle. I had to run 1.5 miles under a certain time. I had a lot of things against me. It was cold outside (exceptionally cold), I hadn't run in months, and when I started running I realized that the stitch in my side had other plans for me.

I cried the whole way home. The hot tears burned my frozen cheeks. I turned up the radio to distract me, but the songs just made me cry even more. I questioned myself. A lot. Was this for me? Did I really want to do this? I had no answers. I just felt defeated. The only thing I was sure of was that I had tried my hardest and I had kept pushing myself because if I gave up I was just giving up on myself. I didn't want to give up on myself. Because this was for no one else. This was just for me.

When I got home I cried some more. I got it out of my system. I was mad, I was upset, I was sad. I let all of those emotions rush over me and then I took control.

Sunday we went to church. I felt better about the day before. Truly better. When we got home we went for a run. I was so sore from exerting myself Saturday, but it felt good to try again, slowly. It felt good to not feel defeated. It felt good to be doing the very thing that I failed at the day before. We walked and ran 1.5 miles in about 30 minutes. It felt good. And it's been a while since I haven't given in to defeat.

So, I now file Saturday away as something I have control over to change. Not something that changed me. I have 18 weeks to prepare again for that same physical agility test. I'm going to own it. I just know. I know that I'm trying hard to control how I feel about where I am in life and I control the change to get me elsewhere. It feels good.

Seasons of life

Kevin and I have been really fixated on something we heard on the radio Saturday. But, before I elaborate, let me take you back to where it began.

Friday was a hard day for me. Not only did the day drag on at work, but when I got home I felt empty. I was hesitant to fix supper for fear that the kids wouldn't like it (we've been having dinner table drama lately). I was behind on laundry, watching it overflow from the basket in our room. I was mentally exhausted from a short, yet very long, first week back at work after the holidays. I was burnt out. I didn't even know what to feel, really.

We made it through supper, through the mountain of clothes, through the dishes. I put Morgen to bed and tried to catch up with various things online. Bills were paid, I browsed online for a bit, I got tired. I was talking to Kevin about how I'm still struggling with the whole "step-parent" thing. Trying to get accustomed to someone else's child as though they are your own is hard. Not only are your feelings involved, but the child's feelings are involved, too. And we have definitely had our ups and downs with that whole situation. I told Kevin that I wasn't sure what to do, and he gave me the ultimate answer.

Let's pray about it.

In the 2 and a half some years that I have been with him, we have always tried to solve our problems in other ways. But, he simplified it for me. And to hear that come from him was amazing. I just needed someone to remind me of what I should have been doing all along.

Saturday we all went grocery shopping as a family. We had the radio playing Christian music and we were all content and quiet in the car. We heard a commercial come on, keeping on subject with the radio station, and it started talking about seasons of life. Kevin asked me if I heard it, and I hadn't, so he explained to me what the woman had said. He explained that I was going through seasons, and how all of them may not have been through Him, but that He still loved me anyway. It really made me think. I need a new season to my life, and I want Him involved.

We've been listening to that radio station every time we get in the car. It calms me. I can't even begin to explain how it makes me feel. Kevin and I have had more conversations about this "season" and I'm beginning to understand. I'm working on taking a season to think about me. To ask for help from Him for all the things I need. To place my stress on Him.

This is very different for me. A step outside of the box. I'm still clumsy in my faith, but I want to change that. And there's no better time than now. In this new season of my life.

Two years

Two years ago today, I started the final stages of a very difficult time in my life.

Two years ago today, I was someone completely different. I have a hard time remembering who that person was, but it has been pushed out of my memory for a reason. A reason that I am more comfortable talking about now, since time has passed.

I clearly remember what happened on this day two years ago. I woke up feeling like things had started to get better and that I could breathe again. I guess I took those relieving breathes too soon. Because that evening spun out of control. I felt a tight grip of my reality on my throat and I wasn't sure what to do. I was suffocating in my own life.

Let me take you back and catch you up to where I had been. In June 2008, I decided that I'd had enough. I realized what was happening to me and I wanted to end it. I wasn't myself anymore. I was just a shell of a body. Every day I had someone telling me how lazy I was. How I needed to get help for postpartum depression. Every day I was ignored when I requested empathy and attention. It wore me down to nothing. I thought everything was my fault. I honestly thought something terrible was wrong with me.

So, I moved on in June. Yes, a relationship. A relationship outside of my marriage. Something that my faith knew was wrong. Something that my mind knew was wrong. But, something that my heart needed so badly. I never looked back on the decision I made. I made my bed and I will lie in it forever. But, that's not the point.

Come December I had been through a lot. Turns out that being honest with my husband wasn't what would set me free. There was a lot of trouble from that, but this day, two years ago, I thought things were looking up. I hadn't seen him all day. So, I went about my own business with my daughter. That night is when things got crazy. Reality slapped me in the face. I never again thought that any of this would be easy.

I never thought that as a mother I would have fought for custody of my child. I never thought that someone would follow me everywhere I went and know everything I was doing. I never thought that my child would be taken from me, placed in front of me to see but not touch. I never thought that anyone would think, let alone voice, that my child would be told I didn't exist. I had no idea what I would be put through, by someone I had loved so much and gave every ounce of myself to.

For a year of this journey, my life was restricted. I was only allowed to do so much. My child couldn't be seen by anyone that wasn't related to her. I was told to stay home and keep to myself. It was hard. It hurt me more knowing that my child had to go through all of this, too. That she had to see her mother hurting.

Things have gotten a lot better in the past two years. I still struggle with a lot of the idealisms that were put in my head years ago, but I understand them and I know I can overcome them. I have less of a grip from someone else leading my life for me. I lead my life now. I still have boundaries, but I know they won't be there forever.

I have a family again. Even though it isn't a family on paper, it is a family in my heart. One that loves each other and treats each other how they should be treated.

The only thing that hasn't changed in the past two years is my marital status. I'm still married. Not legally separated. Not divorced. Just still married and haven't lived together since 2008. It's still hard because of that. I struggle with it every day. I've paid countless dollars towards this divorce. But, I don't let that stop me from living. Even though it does stop me from doing a lot of things with my life. I'm just waiting. My faith in my heart tells me that there is still a plan for me. I hope that is right.

While there are many, many details that I could never write down that do have a place in this story of my life, I feel as though my point has gotten across. Not that I don't want to share, but most things I have blocked from my mind. Terrible, terrible things. Just know that everyone makes mistakes. We live and we learn. We forgive, even if we don't forget. I have forgiven, too. It has taken a while for me to forgive, but I have. I have feeling again. I'm no longer numb.

I speak up for abuse. I speak up for myself. I have become a better person for it. I love who I have become. I was meant for the pain because we are given what we can handle. I think I've handled it well.

Breathtaking

I have a background on my computer at work for each season. I always try to find breathtaking pictures. I try to never use the same one twice.

For winter I picked a mountain view, covered in snow. It looks like I'm looking out over the peak of a mountain and there are nothing but snow capped mountains in the background as far as you can see.

I feel like it takes my breath away every time I see it. I'll go to close a program and suddenly my stomach will jump. I have a fear of heights, but who knew a picture would get me like this one does.

I'm hosting a baby shower tomorrow for my best friend. I hope it turns out beautiful. She is having a little girl. I can't wait to meet her. How breathtaking that will be as well.

I love when my life is full of breathtaking moments.

Running away can be a good thing

I find it very hard to have the right attitude lately. About anything, really. Work, myself, my child, my life. Starting a few months ago, it all began to go downhill. Work is damaging to me. I begin to feel stress before I even sit at my desk. I begin to feel stress while en route to work. Just the thought of it consumes my mind in worry.

I'm also stressed with my health lately. I have been trying to eat better and figure out what is wrong with my stomach, but I just can't narrow it down. Everything I eat makes my stomach knot up. Which makes me not want to eat. Which isn't healthy at all.

I feel a very overwhelming urge to run. Run in a very rough, heavy sort of way. Run like I'm running from someone or something. I just don't have time to do it. Between working long hours, keeping a house and tending to a child, I just don't have time. No time for myself.

I took the day off yesterday. I did one thing for myself. I took my toenail polish off. Normally I am fine with not having time to do anything for myself. I enjoy putting others first. But, lately, I'm screaming at myself on the inside. Screaming at myself to calm down and to take an extra 5 minutes for me. I never listen.

I blog during the day from my phone because I don't have the time or energy at night to do it. It takes me a while. Little 5 minute spurts. I get my point across, though. It all comes together.

Normally, I don't complain about not having any time for me. I love to do stuff for everyone else instead. It makes me happy. But with the stress I have been feeling I haven't had any release and I have noticed how often I don't have time for myself.

I just really want time to run. To breathe in the cold air. To feel the cold wind on my cheeks. To let go of frustrations. It would be so nice.

Giving thanks

Today is a wonderful day. We have been cooking all day to prepare for our supper tonight. We're having turkey, duck, mashed potatoes, gravy, stuffing, cranberry sauce, green bean casserole, sweet potato casserole, homemade yeast rolls and pecan pie for dessert. We will be very miserable later, I'm sure. It will be a good miserable.

I give a lot of thanks today. I'm thankful for a family. One that loves me and is great to be around. I'm thankful for my friends. I'm thankful for my house. I'm thankful for food to be able to prepare and place on my table in the company of others. I'm also very thankful for the health of my family and myself.

I got sad news today that my dad's house was broken into yesterday. A lot of things are missing and there was a lot of mess to clean up from what these people did. I am very thankful that both him and my stepmom are okay and that they weren't home when these people decided to target their house.

I am sad that this had to happen to my family, especially on the holidays.

As we walk through this life, we are not deserving of anything, for we are not perfect and we have faults. And yet somehow we are blessed with wonderful families, children, spouses, partners, friends, co-workers and so many others that come into our lives. We have so much to be thankful for, even through bad times or when things don't go just as we had planned. Life is a wonderful thing, and I am so thankful.

Faith, hope & love

"I got someone who loves me more than words can say & I'm thankful for that each and every day & if I count all my blessings, I get a smile on my face..." - Sugarland

That is how I'm feeling today. I feel refreshed. I feel loved. I feel like I have a little bit more faith today than I did yesterday.

I only have one complaint; my ipod is dying a slow and painful death. So, I wish tax season would hurry a little faster so I could purchase a new one.

In my skin

I find that I'm a weird sort of creature. I feel weird things and I think weird things. Sometimes I think it's because my mind overworks itself. Other times I think it's because my mind wanders. A lot.

Either way, it happens. And I think I have a real case of OCD more times than I just joke about it.

I've tried to be one of those people that takes showers at night before bed, then wakes up in the morning to style my hair, put on some make up, get dressed and be out the door in 30 minutes. I find that I'm much happier in my skin if I take a shower in the morning, blow dry my hair, put on some make up, get dressed and be out the door in 45 minutes to an hour. I feel more comfortable throughout the rest of the day.

If I shower at night and just get dressed in the morning, I feel like a grease monkey by lunch time. It never fails. Even if I go to the bathroom to check how bad I feel like I look and see that I look horrible just fine. I can't seem to shake that feeling, like I need a shower. I've gone home from work before because I've felt that way. Just an indescribable feeling to take a shower.

Some days, I feel fat. Terrible fat. Like bloated, air-filled fat. I will feel like everything I try on is too small and doesn't fit right. Eventually I will give up and just pick something, anything. The whole day I will feel frumpy and large. Even if I go to the bathroom to check how fat I feel like I look and see that I look humongous just fine. Skinny, even. I can't seem to shake that feeling, like I weigh 200 pounds.

Do you see a trend?

Some days, I just feel so out of my skin. Like I don't fit within myself. I will feel so uncomfortable on so many different levels that it makes my head hurt. But, what can I do? The mirror doesn't lie, but the mirror doesn't judge either. I judge myself.

I wish I could be so much more comfortable in my skin. I wish I could wear stretchy yoga pants all day with an over sized t-shirt, with my hair pulled up into a messy ponytail, with no make up on, and no judging. No icky feeling from inside myself. The OCD person that wants to feel comfortable 100% of the time.

The truth is, I feel uncomfortable 100% of the time. For no reason.

I'm sure I'm not the only one that feels this way. Although sometimes I wonder. My life is weird and I know this. My humor is weird, too. If you ever have to see or hear it, I apologize in advance.

I'm real

Yesterday was a mess. My emotions were everywhere. So, I'm going to be real in this post.

I don't regret things. I think the only thing I ever do regret is not going to college right out of high school. But, I have a job, so that is something that I more than often don't worry about.

I try to live my life in a way that makes myself happy as well as certain other people in my life. Because I definitely would not want to ever make a decision that impacted a lot of people in a negative way. Even though I have, on multiple occasions. Sometimes you have to weigh your options, though. Do you want to move forward, to do something for yourself for once, or hold back for the fear of what others might think?

And sometimes I do care too much about what others might think.

Well, two years ago I made the decision to get divorced. I'm still trying to get divorced now. It has been stressful, but it is what I wanted and where I felt moved to go. Seven years ago, I met a person that changed who I was. That held me back. So, I made a choice for myself this time. In the past two years I have gained myself back, and that was worth every ounce of stress I have been put through.

But, yesterdays emotions really stemmed from all of that. I realized that even though I have my old self back, I don't have my freedom back. I'm still tied down because of a little piece of paper that has my named signed to it.

And then I wonder, am I a failure? Is there still a plan for me?

I think I got my answer this morning. I think there is a plan for me still, despite my imperfections and mistakes. I think the plan for me right now is to wait. Wait patiently. Something that I have never been good at doing.

I'm not very strong in my faith (if that is the right choice of words), seeing as how I did start the divorce process, but faith is etched in my mind, silently, always. And I shall wait.

I hope that this was real, minus the intimate details. Because I want to be real. I am a real person and real things happen to me.

And I thought

I have a plant on my desk. It looks like a little tree. With lots of brown stems and green little leaves. It is hanging on by a thread and has been for some time.

I'm contemplating just letting it die off. So I can plant something else. But I feel so sorry for that little tree. Trying to survive in this stale aired office. I haven't watered it in a while. I can't even remember when the last time was.

I feel like I do that a lot in my life. Just give up on something and try to start over fresh. I've done it with blogs, projects, friends. People have even accused me of doing it to relationships. Maybe I have. But, I always put forth 110% before I give up on something.

Not everything works out like you would hope it to. No matter how much effort you put into something. There comes a point in every persons life when you have to decide which is worth more effort; moving on or trying to try harder.

In my case, right this very moment, I'm trying to decide the life of a plant. It's not important. It's not life threatening. It's not even life changing.

But, it crossed my mind.

Life is made up of those, though. Little, thoughtless decisions that we make everyday. Not that all of them don't require thought, but most of them are just every day motions. Sometimes they aren't. Sometimes they are big, horrendous decisions that eat at you.

But, you do what's best. And I'm happy to say that I have never regretted a single decision. Big or small.

Every memory imaginable

I love photography so much. I was reminded of that just a little bit ago as I looked at my Ansel Adams calendar hanging above my desk. I love the photography he did, even if it was in black and white.

It makes me wonder what all of those scenes looked like in color. I would imagine they'd take your breathe away. Considering the colorless versions almost do.

My favorite photos of his are the ones involving snow. Stark, white snow. There is no mistaking it in any of his photos.

I want my photos to be remembered. Not for their quality or clarity, but for the odd little moments that I've captured. I like to take photos that catch people off guard. That show their true personality. Not just a smile flashing at the camera. I want to capture the mad, sad, joyful, thankfulness, and so many other emotions. Photos don't all have to be happy, but I do want them to tell a story. Even if it is sad. Because not all memories are happy. There has to be sad and all the other emotions mixed in. That's called life.

I have a Facebook page for my photography. I love every photo that I have posted. Every family that I've had the joy of capturing has made me happy.

And I have no idea how I'm ever going to put a price on what I love doing.

If you complain, remember to breathe

Personally, I think I complain a lot. Others have told me I don't, but when I do I try to make it a valid, justifiable complaint.

I don't complain "gosh, it's cold out here. Where did summer go?" and then have a full blown conversation about it. That's not how I complain. That's petty stuff. Stuff that can't be fixed. Or it could be fixed, if I'd just worn a jacket or something thicker. But, then it's my fault, and why should I complain about something I knowingly screwed up?

I normally complain about how stuff doesn't make sense. Like how talking behind someone's back doesn't make sense. Especially if you do it more than once. To their friend.

You know what I don't like about having a full time job? That it's a full time pity party to everyone. Everyone has a complaint. Meaningless, petty complains about stuff that either can't be fixed or they are too lazy to do something about.

Even myself sometimes. I will catch myself complaining about something and then, stop. Why am I here? What did I do to get here? And even sometimes, what can I do to get out of here?

I'm working on going back to school at the beginning of the year. I so very badly want to work in the health care industry. Even knowing that it might be going downhill. I want to be up and walking around all day, not stuck behind a desk. I want to see fresh faces every day, not the same ones. I have so many high hopes for a new job. A job that I know I need to work in order to stay on my feet.

You are probably wondering what is so complaint-y about this post. That wasn't my point. My point was to remember to breathe. Every day, every where, any time. Not everything is worth complaining about. Sometimes it's best to just sit in silence and keep your complaints to yourself. Only complain about what really matters. And then breathe, and move forward.

I need this. Every day.

New chapters

I like to beat up on myself. A lot. I find it much easier to get angry at myself or to put myself down than doing it to someone else. Even things I'm not at fault for.

I guess I'm a self-bully. I don't bully others. That does nothing for me. But, me, yeah, she deserves all the bullying in the world sometimes.

I've been in a very weird mood since yesterday. Something about unpacking boxes and being forced to look at your past. It floors me. It makes me beat myself up. It makes me just wish I'd thrown the whole box away. On accident. Just so I wouldn't have to torture myself. Rifle through something that doesn't even matter to me anymore.

Kevin said something to me yesterday that made me think of it in a different light. Just for a minute anyways. He told me that those chapters are behind me and that we're working on making our own new chapters. That I didn't have to worry about the way things were.

That put me at ease. A little. I still can't overcome this feeling. This attitude that I've taken against myself. I've gone from beating myself up over what was in a box to beating myself up because I was beating myself up. Does that make sense? No. Oh, well, welcome to my life.

I think the cold weather has me down. I know it's finally here to stay. I'm trying to get used to it. It's a good way to clear the cobwebs that gathered during the summer. And now that everything is unpacked and there are no more boxes of the past to go through, I can finally rest.

I just wish I could shake this attitude. How is it that I can be so pleasant on the outside and so hateful on the inside? To myself?

I wish I loved myself as much as I loved others. And I'm working on it. Honest.