Tripping on a leap of faith

You know how some days you wake up trying to be so positive and then something happens to mess you up, right from the beginning?

Yesterday was one of those days. I woke up feeling great. I was well rested. Then I got to work and walked through our turnstiles and it came back around and caught my left heel. I wanted to scream and cry at the same time. But I couldn't. Because I was at work and other people were around.

From that point on everything went downhill. I got a bad headache. I felt sick because of it. I had a ton of work to get done. Even when I left work it didn't get any better. I just wanted to get home so I could take something for the migraine that was beating me into the ground. But, traffic got in the way. Unusual traffic. A bad accident that crushed the rear end of a car so bad that the trunk and back seat had become one with each other.

Then I realized that, despite my throbbing head, someone else had a worse day than I did.

I've tried extra hard to be positive lately. To not let doubt and negativity consume me. Not everything is as bad as it seems. Let go and move on. Stop worrying so much. Stop letting things you can't control, control YOU.

Kevin and I have let go of a lot of things lately. We are doing better because of it. Not that we were doing bad, but a lot of our conversation was about negativity and what was going on in our lives was trying to drag us down.

We started thinking more positive a few weeks ago and a lot has changed.

I think I'm liking the changes. And I will like the changes that have yet to come.

I want to share a secret. I know I don't share a lot of pictures on here, but I do take pictures. I love to take pictures. I take pictures of other people more than I take pictures of my own family, but I take pictures nonetheless. And I am leaning on that talent that I have. And I am churning ideas. And I am going to take a step that might make or break me. But, I think my photography-side-hobby is about to become something bigger. And I have a huge support system.

So, I'm just going to dive in the deep end. And pray I don't drown.

House plants

We moved a few months ago into a place of our own. We both came from houses where we lived with our family. I used to have a cat. Kevin used to have to deal with 2 dogs 3 dogs and a cat (they keep multiplying). I got rid of my cat because I felt like I couldn't give her the attention she needed. That's not fair to an animal. I found her a home and I hope she is doing well.

I love animals. Mostly I'm a dog person, but I've had dogs, cats, fish, hamsters, and I think that's about it. Growing up I always had an animal. My mom and dad still have an animal. That's just how it was. Kids love animals. My kids love animals. But, we don't have a pet.

Kevin and I decided that we needed a break from animals. Dealing with 3 hairy, loud labs is enough to drive anyone crazy. They act like kids sometimes, they chase each other, they fight over toys. It's quite comical, but it's not for us. So, we decided no pets. Not even a fish.

We went grocery shopping at Walmart a few weeks ago and we went to the garden center for something completely opposite of what I ended up getting. I picked out a house plant. Now, I'm not super great at watering anything that doesn't signal to me it needs care. But, I'm working on it. I put it in our window in our kitchen so I can see it every day. So far, it's still living. I've watered it once.

Kevin said I was on my own with this one. I hope I don't kill it. Maybe he will let me have a few more if I do a good job. We can slowly work ourselves up to having an animal. I mean, kids are kind of like animals, and the kids are still alive.



*I'm just joking about the kid part. Well, yes, they are still alive. But, we don't treat them like animals or house plants. Just to make that clear.

A different filing system

I've had a very hard time with a lot of things lately. They are hard to explain, but sometimes 'having a hard time' is just how I deal with things. Sure, I can write it out, talk it out, or maybe even just forget about it. But, that's not me either. Those things don't always take care of the lingering issues that stay completely unresolved in the back of my mind. It just makes me push them away time and again without having a real solution to really get over it.

So, I've been distancing myself from everything. I've been going back to basics with how to deal with issues. I've made a sort of organizational system in my brain. Sorting what really matters, what I really have significant problems with, and things that shouldn't concern me, things that I have no control over. It seems to be working somewhat. My mentality has definitely changed, which is a great start.

One of the things that is a real issue for me right now is my job. I have a significant problem with it. I have control over what I do about it, though. And instead of complaining about it, I have been proactive about doing something about it.

This past weekend I had a physical agility test for a local police department. I was excited about it, I was thinking positive about it, I felt like this was for me. I showed up, and I tried my best, but I didn't make it past the first hurdle. I had to run 1.5 miles under a certain time. I had a lot of things against me. It was cold outside (exceptionally cold), I hadn't run in months, and when I started running I realized that the stitch in my side had other plans for me.

I cried the whole way home. The hot tears burned my frozen cheeks. I turned up the radio to distract me, but the songs just made me cry even more. I questioned myself. A lot. Was this for me? Did I really want to do this? I had no answers. I just felt defeated. The only thing I was sure of was that I had tried my hardest and I had kept pushing myself because if I gave up I was just giving up on myself. I didn't want to give up on myself. Because this was for no one else. This was just for me.

When I got home I cried some more. I got it out of my system. I was mad, I was upset, I was sad. I let all of those emotions rush over me and then I took control.

Sunday we went to church. I felt better about the day before. Truly better. When we got home we went for a run. I was so sore from exerting myself Saturday, but it felt good to try again, slowly. It felt good to not feel defeated. It felt good to be doing the very thing that I failed at the day before. We walked and ran 1.5 miles in about 30 minutes. It felt good. And it's been a while since I haven't given in to defeat.

So, I now file Saturday away as something I have control over to change. Not something that changed me. I have 18 weeks to prepare again for that same physical agility test. I'm going to own it. I just know. I know that I'm trying hard to control how I feel about where I am in life and I control the change to get me elsewhere. It feels good.

Seasons of life

Kevin and I have been really fixated on something we heard on the radio Saturday. But, before I elaborate, let me take you back to where it began.

Friday was a hard day for me. Not only did the day drag on at work, but when I got home I felt empty. I was hesitant to fix supper for fear that the kids wouldn't like it (we've been having dinner table drama lately). I was behind on laundry, watching it overflow from the basket in our room. I was mentally exhausted from a short, yet very long, first week back at work after the holidays. I was burnt out. I didn't even know what to feel, really.

We made it through supper, through the mountain of clothes, through the dishes. I put Morgen to bed and tried to catch up with various things online. Bills were paid, I browsed online for a bit, I got tired. I was talking to Kevin about how I'm still struggling with the whole "step-parent" thing. Trying to get accustomed to someone else's child as though they are your own is hard. Not only are your feelings involved, but the child's feelings are involved, too. And we have definitely had our ups and downs with that whole situation. I told Kevin that I wasn't sure what to do, and he gave me the ultimate answer.

Let's pray about it.

In the 2 and a half some years that I have been with him, we have always tried to solve our problems in other ways. But, he simplified it for me. And to hear that come from him was amazing. I just needed someone to remind me of what I should have been doing all along.

Saturday we all went grocery shopping as a family. We had the radio playing Christian music and we were all content and quiet in the car. We heard a commercial come on, keeping on subject with the radio station, and it started talking about seasons of life. Kevin asked me if I heard it, and I hadn't, so he explained to me what the woman had said. He explained that I was going through seasons, and how all of them may not have been through Him, but that He still loved me anyway. It really made me think. I need a new season to my life, and I want Him involved.

We've been listening to that radio station every time we get in the car. It calms me. I can't even begin to explain how it makes me feel. Kevin and I have had more conversations about this "season" and I'm beginning to understand. I'm working on taking a season to think about me. To ask for help from Him for all the things I need. To place my stress on Him.

This is very different for me. A step outside of the box. I'm still clumsy in my faith, but I want to change that. And there's no better time than now. In this new season of my life.

Until next time

I'm normally terrible at finding shoes. You would think quite the opposite if you saw how many shoes I had. But, you would also observe that I have a few pairs of shoes that are the same. Just in another color. I have to take full advantage when I find something I like.

Yesterday I went to my favorite store, Target, to look for some inexpensive, flat boots. I only have boots with a heel, and they don't like icy or wet conditions. I'm not a tennis shoe girl, either. My only other option was ballet flats. My feet cringe at the thought of ballet flats on a cold, rainy day.

Well, as hard as it is for me to find and like any pair of shoes, I found some. Within 30 minutes. After I had combed all of the shoes to make sure I knew what options I had. To top it all off, they are kids sized boots. They don't look like a pair of kids shoes at all, but they sure were priced like them.

There are days when I complain about having small feet. They just don't make small shoes for women. It's like small feet are unheard of. But, the one time it pays off makes it all worthwhile. So, I'm back to loving my small feet. At least until the next time I have to look for shoes.

You Capture | The Years Best

I don't make new years resolutions. I don't. Really. But, I want to try to be better about taking pictures this year. I love to take pictures, so why I don't do it more often is really beyond me. And I really love what Beth does every week over at her blog. So, I want to be better about it. Be accountable for it. And do something I really do love to do.

Looking back, I really did take a lot of pictures this year. Here are my 10 best pictures (according to me).


{Just barely 2 years old, learning to throw snowballs}




{Wide open spaces}




{The best of summer 2010}






{Panther Falls, Buena Vista, Virginia}


{All american}


{All in the family}

You can share your best photos of 2010 here.

Hi.

I realize that I have neglected to post pictures on my blog since I started it at the beginning of November. I have a reason for doing that. I am overcoming that reason, but I still mainly post from my phone. My phone doesn't have a camera. Do you want to know why? I promise it's not because I am boring and plain. I have a fancy phone. {It does have internet, after all}

I have a full time job {other than being a momma} that is top secret. No. Not really. But, almost. I just have a job that deals with sensitive information, therefore I can't have a phone with a camera on it AND be able to bring it into work with me. Losing my job is not in the cards for me right now. So, I play by the rules. Good thing Blackberry was so gracious to make a phone sans camera.

Back to the whole thing about pictures, though. I love to take pictures. Sharing them is just a whole other battle. I don't even share them on Facebook sometimes. I normally get on the computer to pay bills, check this or that and then I'm done. I'm on a computer all day at work, and well, it's not appealing when I get home. Supper and bed are more appealing. Spending time with the kids is more appealing. It's just what happens.

I do want to introduce you to someone, though.


{Left to right: Kevin, Matthew, Morgen, Christie}

I have a blended family. We go very well together. I hope you can put a face to a name now. I'm not good with faces and names, but hopefully you are better.

I just wanted to say hello, though. Put myself out there. Be vulnerable. Live on the edge.

January

I'm 4 days late from the first of the month.

This year is about change. As is any new year with me. Last year I changed my weight. This year I want to change my weight again and also some other things. I don't make new years resolutions, though. Just new years ideas. Change is on going. Change is inevitable.

I've had a lot going on in my life lately. I've been trying to let go of things, grasp on to something else for a change. I haven't gotten very far. I have road blocks that get placed by different things. And my life has become a cryptic mess.

Money is the root of all evil. And so is divorce. And credit reports. The last two are totally fully related to money. So, here's to scratching out the past and moving forward with the new. I'll be 25 this year, moving straight forward into the second half of my 20s. Scary, but yet slightly thrilling at the same time.

Here's to another year.