Running away can be a good thing

I find it very hard to have the right attitude lately. About anything, really. Work, myself, my child, my life. Starting a few months ago, it all began to go downhill. Work is damaging to me. I begin to feel stress before I even sit at my desk. I begin to feel stress while en route to work. Just the thought of it consumes my mind in worry.

I'm also stressed with my health lately. I have been trying to eat better and figure out what is wrong with my stomach, but I just can't narrow it down. Everything I eat makes my stomach knot up. Which makes me not want to eat. Which isn't healthy at all.

I feel a very overwhelming urge to run. Run in a very rough, heavy sort of way. Run like I'm running from someone or something. I just don't have time to do it. Between working long hours, keeping a house and tending to a child, I just don't have time. No time for myself.

I took the day off yesterday. I did one thing for myself. I took my toenail polish off. Normally I am fine with not having time to do anything for myself. I enjoy putting others first. But, lately, I'm screaming at myself on the inside. Screaming at myself to calm down and to take an extra 5 minutes for me. I never listen.

I blog during the day from my phone because I don't have the time or energy at night to do it. It takes me a while. Little 5 minute spurts. I get my point across, though. It all comes together.

Normally, I don't complain about not having any time for me. I love to do stuff for everyone else instead. It makes me happy. But with the stress I have been feeling I haven't had any release and I have noticed how often I don't have time for myself.

I just really want time to run. To breathe in the cold air. To feel the cold wind on my cheeks. To let go of frustrations. It would be so nice.

Giving thanks

Today is a wonderful day. We have been cooking all day to prepare for our supper tonight. We're having turkey, duck, mashed potatoes, gravy, stuffing, cranberry sauce, green bean casserole, sweet potato casserole, homemade yeast rolls and pecan pie for dessert. We will be very miserable later, I'm sure. It will be a good miserable.

I give a lot of thanks today. I'm thankful for a family. One that loves me and is great to be around. I'm thankful for my friends. I'm thankful for my house. I'm thankful for food to be able to prepare and place on my table in the company of others. I'm also very thankful for the health of my family and myself.

I got sad news today that my dad's house was broken into yesterday. A lot of things are missing and there was a lot of mess to clean up from what these people did. I am very thankful that both him and my stepmom are okay and that they weren't home when these people decided to target their house.

I am sad that this had to happen to my family, especially on the holidays.

As we walk through this life, we are not deserving of anything, for we are not perfect and we have faults. And yet somehow we are blessed with wonderful families, children, spouses, partners, friends, co-workers and so many others that come into our lives. We have so much to be thankful for, even through bad times or when things don't go just as we had planned. Life is a wonderful thing, and I am so thankful.

Faith, hope & love

"I got someone who loves me more than words can say & I'm thankful for that each and every day & if I count all my blessings, I get a smile on my face..." - Sugarland

That is how I'm feeling today. I feel refreshed. I feel loved. I feel like I have a little bit more faith today than I did yesterday.

I only have one complaint; my ipod is dying a slow and painful death. So, I wish tax season would hurry a little faster so I could purchase a new one.

In my skin

I find that I'm a weird sort of creature. I feel weird things and I think weird things. Sometimes I think it's because my mind overworks itself. Other times I think it's because my mind wanders. A lot.

Either way, it happens. And I think I have a real case of OCD more times than I just joke about it.

I've tried to be one of those people that takes showers at night before bed, then wakes up in the morning to style my hair, put on some make up, get dressed and be out the door in 30 minutes. I find that I'm much happier in my skin if I take a shower in the morning, blow dry my hair, put on some make up, get dressed and be out the door in 45 minutes to an hour. I feel more comfortable throughout the rest of the day.

If I shower at night and just get dressed in the morning, I feel like a grease monkey by lunch time. It never fails. Even if I go to the bathroom to check how bad I feel like I look and see that I look horrible just fine. I can't seem to shake that feeling, like I need a shower. I've gone home from work before because I've felt that way. Just an indescribable feeling to take a shower.

Some days, I feel fat. Terrible fat. Like bloated, air-filled fat. I will feel like everything I try on is too small and doesn't fit right. Eventually I will give up and just pick something, anything. The whole day I will feel frumpy and large. Even if I go to the bathroom to check how fat I feel like I look and see that I look humongous just fine. Skinny, even. I can't seem to shake that feeling, like I weigh 200 pounds.

Do you see a trend?

Some days, I just feel so out of my skin. Like I don't fit within myself. I will feel so uncomfortable on so many different levels that it makes my head hurt. But, what can I do? The mirror doesn't lie, but the mirror doesn't judge either. I judge myself.

I wish I could be so much more comfortable in my skin. I wish I could wear stretchy yoga pants all day with an over sized t-shirt, with my hair pulled up into a messy ponytail, with no make up on, and no judging. No icky feeling from inside myself. The OCD person that wants to feel comfortable 100% of the time.

The truth is, I feel uncomfortable 100% of the time. For no reason.

I'm sure I'm not the only one that feels this way. Although sometimes I wonder. My life is weird and I know this. My humor is weird, too. If you ever have to see or hear it, I apologize in advance.

Thankful

I tried to write a post today on negativity. Then I accidentally erased it. So, obviously I need to move on.

Thursday I started feeling the twangs of a UTI. I'm really disappointed because I'm pretty sure I do have a UTI. I'm also pretty sure I don't have any time to go to the doctor to get some medicine for it. It's a holiday week. I have plans.

So, I'm drinking nothing but water or juice (very, very limited amounts of juice) to see if it might flush itself out of my system. And I know I'm pushing the envelope with what comes next. Kidney infections are nothing to mess with, but I really do not have time to see a doctor this week.

I've realized that I haven't been sick in a while and I'm thankful for that just as much as I am confused by it. Normally stress means I automatically catch every bug going around. Maybe my tolerance has built up some. I'm not sure, but I'm going to knock on wood.

I was going to go back to the whole negativity thing and explain how I'm going to be a bit more happy from now on, but I'm afraid of accidentally deleting this post, too. But, just know, something spoke to me this morning when I tried to be negative on facebook. I'm a thankful person. So, I'll be doing more of that.

Being thankful for what I've got and where I am. Because that's all that matters right now.

I'm intolerable at times

I've done really good with writing posts since I created this new blog. I'm not even sure what number I am on when it comes to counting how many blogs I have tried to have. I think this one has been easier since I haven't yet shared it with the world. I haven't announced it. I've just been writing. To no one.

I've been writing in the mornings, too. Which means my mind is fresh and the stresses of the day haven't caught up with me yet. I really like that. That stress-free feeling.

Today I will be buying the dry goods for Thanksgiving supper. Just so I'm not completely last minute with everything. We will be having a lot of food and enjoying the company of family. Our tradition is to roast a duck. With orange glaze. It always turns out so well. We roast one for Thanksgiving as well as Christmas. Along with the usual dishes, too. There will still be a turkey. We can't have Thanksgiving without one.

I love enjoying leftover turkey sandwiches after Thanksgiving.

On a slightly different note, I'm sad to say that I think my body has been having a hard time dealing with dairy lately. I have had some symptoms of lactose intolerance.

I've had coffee with creamer and cereal with milk every day this past week for breakfast. Each time I've enjoyed those things I've had stomach issues. Not gross stomach issues, just not normal issues. Like bloating, gurgling, and other simple issues. But ones that I've found annoying and very uncomfortable. Especially at work.

I'm not sure if that is the case, but there is only one way to find out. And I'm scared to eliminate something that big from my diet. But, I know it could be done.

I'm so excited for the impending holidays. Making new memories and traditions. I love my family and spending time with them. It's always so extra special. So much happiness.

I'm real

Yesterday was a mess. My emotions were everywhere. So, I'm going to be real in this post.

I don't regret things. I think the only thing I ever do regret is not going to college right out of high school. But, I have a job, so that is something that I more than often don't worry about.

I try to live my life in a way that makes myself happy as well as certain other people in my life. Because I definitely would not want to ever make a decision that impacted a lot of people in a negative way. Even though I have, on multiple occasions. Sometimes you have to weigh your options, though. Do you want to move forward, to do something for yourself for once, or hold back for the fear of what others might think?

And sometimes I do care too much about what others might think.

Well, two years ago I made the decision to get divorced. I'm still trying to get divorced now. It has been stressful, but it is what I wanted and where I felt moved to go. Seven years ago, I met a person that changed who I was. That held me back. So, I made a choice for myself this time. In the past two years I have gained myself back, and that was worth every ounce of stress I have been put through.

But, yesterdays emotions really stemmed from all of that. I realized that even though I have my old self back, I don't have my freedom back. I'm still tied down because of a little piece of paper that has my named signed to it.

And then I wonder, am I a failure? Is there still a plan for me?

I think I got my answer this morning. I think there is a plan for me still, despite my imperfections and mistakes. I think the plan for me right now is to wait. Wait patiently. Something that I have never been good at doing.

I'm not very strong in my faith (if that is the right choice of words), seeing as how I did start the divorce process, but faith is etched in my mind, silently, always. And I shall wait.

I hope that this was real, minus the intimate details. Because I want to be real. I am a real person and real things happen to me.

And I thought

I have a plant on my desk. It looks like a little tree. With lots of brown stems and green little leaves. It is hanging on by a thread and has been for some time.

I'm contemplating just letting it die off. So I can plant something else. But I feel so sorry for that little tree. Trying to survive in this stale aired office. I haven't watered it in a while. I can't even remember when the last time was.

I feel like I do that a lot in my life. Just give up on something and try to start over fresh. I've done it with blogs, projects, friends. People have even accused me of doing it to relationships. Maybe I have. But, I always put forth 110% before I give up on something.

Not everything works out like you would hope it to. No matter how much effort you put into something. There comes a point in every persons life when you have to decide which is worth more effort; moving on or trying to try harder.

In my case, right this very moment, I'm trying to decide the life of a plant. It's not important. It's not life threatening. It's not even life changing.

But, it crossed my mind.

Life is made up of those, though. Little, thoughtless decisions that we make everyday. Not that all of them don't require thought, but most of them are just every day motions. Sometimes they aren't. Sometimes they are big, horrendous decisions that eat at you.

But, you do what's best. And I'm happy to say that I have never regretted a single decision. Big or small.

Every memory imaginable

I love photography so much. I was reminded of that just a little bit ago as I looked at my Ansel Adams calendar hanging above my desk. I love the photography he did, even if it was in black and white.

It makes me wonder what all of those scenes looked like in color. I would imagine they'd take your breathe away. Considering the colorless versions almost do.

My favorite photos of his are the ones involving snow. Stark, white snow. There is no mistaking it in any of his photos.

I want my photos to be remembered. Not for their quality or clarity, but for the odd little moments that I've captured. I like to take photos that catch people off guard. That show their true personality. Not just a smile flashing at the camera. I want to capture the mad, sad, joyful, thankfulness, and so many other emotions. Photos don't all have to be happy, but I do want them to tell a story. Even if it is sad. Because not all memories are happy. There has to be sad and all the other emotions mixed in. That's called life.

I have a Facebook page for my photography. I love every photo that I have posted. Every family that I've had the joy of capturing has made me happy.

And I have no idea how I'm ever going to put a price on what I love doing.

Are you really what you eat?

Over the past year I have really struggled with self image. I have tried restricting my diet, I have tried counting out chips and weighing out chicken, and I have done a great deal towards getting active.

The one thing I really want though is to be healthy. I want to eat healthy, whole foods. But I have had a hard time doing that.

It is hard to determine what is healthy anymore. I have tried to do research, but I never end up finding what I had hoped. I am terrible with google. I feel like if you don't type in exactly what you hope to find then it will never be found. And I don't even know what I'm really looking for half the time.

I "like" a lot of pages on facebook. Some to do with music, some with health news and a few with natural pregnancy. The whole pregnancy thing has me fixated. I've had one child and I want more. How I have that next child has been greatly researched. That will have to be saved for another post, but my point with that is I found a pregnancy diet. And I want to follow it, to a certain extent, even though I'm not pregnant.

It is called The Brewer Diet and it deals with nutrition as a whole. That is exactly what I have been looking for. I found it without even looking for it.

I want to start at the beginning of the year. See how I adjust to it. Eat whole foods. Eat good foods. Not deprive myself. And this will be another notch in the belt of loving who I am. Maybe that little extra weight wouldn't be so bad if I knew I was eating better.

Maybe. Just maybe. It's worth giving it a try.

If you complain, remember to breathe

Personally, I think I complain a lot. Others have told me I don't, but when I do I try to make it a valid, justifiable complaint.

I don't complain "gosh, it's cold out here. Where did summer go?" and then have a full blown conversation about it. That's not how I complain. That's petty stuff. Stuff that can't be fixed. Or it could be fixed, if I'd just worn a jacket or something thicker. But, then it's my fault, and why should I complain about something I knowingly screwed up?

I normally complain about how stuff doesn't make sense. Like how talking behind someone's back doesn't make sense. Especially if you do it more than once. To their friend.

You know what I don't like about having a full time job? That it's a full time pity party to everyone. Everyone has a complaint. Meaningless, petty complains about stuff that either can't be fixed or they are too lazy to do something about.

Even myself sometimes. I will catch myself complaining about something and then, stop. Why am I here? What did I do to get here? And even sometimes, what can I do to get out of here?

I'm working on going back to school at the beginning of the year. I so very badly want to work in the health care industry. Even knowing that it might be going downhill. I want to be up and walking around all day, not stuck behind a desk. I want to see fresh faces every day, not the same ones. I have so many high hopes for a new job. A job that I know I need to work in order to stay on my feet.

You are probably wondering what is so complaint-y about this post. That wasn't my point. My point was to remember to breathe. Every day, every where, any time. Not everything is worth complaining about. Sometimes it's best to just sit in silence and keep your complaints to yourself. Only complain about what really matters. And then breathe, and move forward.

I need this. Every day.

Reduce, reuse, recycle

Have you ever painted your fingernails and had them looking so good. They were beautiful for that first day. Then you chip one. And you just ignore your hands for the next three weeks and suddenly you look down one day.

OH MY GOSH.

That polish is still there!?!

But only you're not at home so you can't go remove it yet. And when you get home you just forget about it until the next day you look down again. And the same. thing. happens. For weeks. So, you end up wearing that horribly chipped nail polish for three more weeks.

Not that I'm like that or anything.

...What?

Ok. My whole life is kind of like that. But, that's besides the point.

Is it weird that I reuse plastic utensils? I don't make others do it, like the kids, but I do it and Kevin does it. At work. Trying to be resourceful, I suppose.

This is a random, running together of stories and thoughts, but we bought a desk last night from a thrift store. It is going to get a new coat of paint. If I can think of a color. Do you know how hard it is to chose a paint color? Because there are MILLIONS to choose from.

Of pumpkins, turkey & cookies

I love the holidays. I love how my favorite three holidays are all smooshed together, too. Halloween, Thanksgiving, and then Christmas. All so much fun. I have always loved them. As far back as I can remember.

We celebrate Halloween. To a certain extent. We're not all about what it's all about, but we dress up, the kids dress up, we decorate with pumpkins, we carve pumpkins, and we even made cookies this year.

Who said cookie decorating is just a Christmas thing?

Next on the list is Thanksgiving. And I'm really excited for Thanksgiving this year. We're cooking our very own meal. In our very own house. Having people over and everything like that. What could be better? Well, sure, having someone else cook. But I love to cook, so it's no big deal to me.

Then in the blink of an eye, Christmas will be here.

Sparkly. Shiny. Christmas.

I love it so much. Watching the kids open their gifts. And just being together. As a family. That's what holidays are all about. Being with your family and the ones you love.

And I love that my family loves being together. I wish holidays like these lasted all year.

New chapters

I like to beat up on myself. A lot. I find it much easier to get angry at myself or to put myself down than doing it to someone else. Even things I'm not at fault for.

I guess I'm a self-bully. I don't bully others. That does nothing for me. But, me, yeah, she deserves all the bullying in the world sometimes.

I've been in a very weird mood since yesterday. Something about unpacking boxes and being forced to look at your past. It floors me. It makes me beat myself up. It makes me just wish I'd thrown the whole box away. On accident. Just so I wouldn't have to torture myself. Rifle through something that doesn't even matter to me anymore.

Kevin said something to me yesterday that made me think of it in a different light. Just for a minute anyways. He told me that those chapters are behind me and that we're working on making our own new chapters. That I didn't have to worry about the way things were.

That put me at ease. A little. I still can't overcome this feeling. This attitude that I've taken against myself. I've gone from beating myself up over what was in a box to beating myself up because I was beating myself up. Does that make sense? No. Oh, well, welcome to my life.

I think the cold weather has me down. I know it's finally here to stay. I'm trying to get used to it. It's a good way to clear the cobwebs that gathered during the summer. And now that everything is unpacked and there are no more boxes of the past to go through, I can finally rest.

I just wish I could shake this attitude. How is it that I can be so pleasant on the outside and so hateful on the inside? To myself?

I wish I loved myself as much as I loved others. And I'm working on it. Honest.