I've had a very hard time with a lot of things lately. They are hard to explain, but sometimes 'having a hard time' is just how I deal with things. Sure, I can write it out, talk it out, or maybe even just forget about it. But, that's not me either. Those things don't always take care of the lingering issues that stay completely unresolved in the back of my mind. It just makes me push them away time and again without having a real solution to really get over it.
So, I've been distancing myself from everything. I've been going back to basics with how to deal with issues. I've made a sort of organizational system in my brain. Sorting what really matters, what I really have significant problems with, and things that shouldn't concern me, things that I have no control over. It seems to be working somewhat. My mentality has definitely changed, which is a great start.
One of the things that is a real issue for me right now is my job. I have a significant problem with it. I have control over what I do about it, though. And instead of complaining about it, I have been proactive about doing something about it.
This past weekend I had a physical agility test for a local police department. I was excited about it, I was thinking positive about it, I felt like this was for me. I showed up, and I tried my best, but I didn't make it past the first hurdle. I had to run 1.5 miles under a certain time. I had a lot of things against me. It was cold outside (exceptionally cold), I hadn't run in months, and when I started running I realized that the stitch in my side had other plans for me.
I cried the whole way home. The hot tears burned my frozen cheeks. I turned up the radio to distract me, but the songs just made me cry even more. I questioned myself. A lot. Was this for me? Did I really want to do this? I had no answers. I just felt defeated. The only thing I was sure of was that I had tried my hardest and I had kept pushing myself because if I gave up I was just giving up on myself. I didn't want to give up on myself. Because this was for no one else. This was just for me.
When I got home I cried some more. I got it out of my system. I was mad, I was upset, I was sad. I let all of those emotions rush over me and then I took control.
Sunday we went to church. I felt better about the day before. Truly better. When we got home we went for a run. I was so sore from exerting myself Saturday, but it felt good to try again, slowly. It felt good to not feel defeated. It felt good to be doing the very thing that I failed at the day before. We walked and ran 1.5 miles in about 30 minutes. It felt good. And it's been a while since I haven't given in to defeat.
So, I now file Saturday away as something I have control over to change. Not something that changed me. I have 18 weeks to prepare again for that same physical agility test. I'm going to own it. I just know. I know that I'm trying hard to control how I feel about where I am in life and I control the change to get me elsewhere. It feels good.