A different filing system

I've had a very hard time with a lot of things lately. They are hard to explain, but sometimes 'having a hard time' is just how I deal with things. Sure, I can write it out, talk it out, or maybe even just forget about it. But, that's not me either. Those things don't always take care of the lingering issues that stay completely unresolved in the back of my mind. It just makes me push them away time and again without having a real solution to really get over it.

So, I've been distancing myself from everything. I've been going back to basics with how to deal with issues. I've made a sort of organizational system in my brain. Sorting what really matters, what I really have significant problems with, and things that shouldn't concern me, things that I have no control over. It seems to be working somewhat. My mentality has definitely changed, which is a great start.

One of the things that is a real issue for me right now is my job. I have a significant problem with it. I have control over what I do about it, though. And instead of complaining about it, I have been proactive about doing something about it.

This past weekend I had a physical agility test for a local police department. I was excited about it, I was thinking positive about it, I felt like this was for me. I showed up, and I tried my best, but I didn't make it past the first hurdle. I had to run 1.5 miles under a certain time. I had a lot of things against me. It was cold outside (exceptionally cold), I hadn't run in months, and when I started running I realized that the stitch in my side had other plans for me.

I cried the whole way home. The hot tears burned my frozen cheeks. I turned up the radio to distract me, but the songs just made me cry even more. I questioned myself. A lot. Was this for me? Did I really want to do this? I had no answers. I just felt defeated. The only thing I was sure of was that I had tried my hardest and I had kept pushing myself because if I gave up I was just giving up on myself. I didn't want to give up on myself. Because this was for no one else. This was just for me.

When I got home I cried some more. I got it out of my system. I was mad, I was upset, I was sad. I let all of those emotions rush over me and then I took control.

Sunday we went to church. I felt better about the day before. Truly better. When we got home we went for a run. I was so sore from exerting myself Saturday, but it felt good to try again, slowly. It felt good to not feel defeated. It felt good to be doing the very thing that I failed at the day before. We walked and ran 1.5 miles in about 30 minutes. It felt good. And it's been a while since I haven't given in to defeat.

So, I now file Saturday away as something I have control over to change. Not something that changed me. I have 18 weeks to prepare again for that same physical agility test. I'm going to own it. I just know. I know that I'm trying hard to control how I feel about where I am in life and I control the change to get me elsewhere. It feels good.

Running away can be a good thing

I find it very hard to have the right attitude lately. About anything, really. Work, myself, my child, my life. Starting a few months ago, it all began to go downhill. Work is damaging to me. I begin to feel stress before I even sit at my desk. I begin to feel stress while en route to work. Just the thought of it consumes my mind in worry.

I'm also stressed with my health lately. I have been trying to eat better and figure out what is wrong with my stomach, but I just can't narrow it down. Everything I eat makes my stomach knot up. Which makes me not want to eat. Which isn't healthy at all.

I feel a very overwhelming urge to run. Run in a very rough, heavy sort of way. Run like I'm running from someone or something. I just don't have time to do it. Between working long hours, keeping a house and tending to a child, I just don't have time. No time for myself.

I took the day off yesterday. I did one thing for myself. I took my toenail polish off. Normally I am fine with not having time to do anything for myself. I enjoy putting others first. But, lately, I'm screaming at myself on the inside. Screaming at myself to calm down and to take an extra 5 minutes for me. I never listen.

I blog during the day from my phone because I don't have the time or energy at night to do it. It takes me a while. Little 5 minute spurts. I get my point across, though. It all comes together.

Normally, I don't complain about not having any time for me. I love to do stuff for everyone else instead. It makes me happy. But with the stress I have been feeling I haven't had any release and I have noticed how often I don't have time for myself.

I just really want time to run. To breathe in the cold air. To feel the cold wind on my cheeks. To let go of frustrations. It would be so nice.

If you complain, remember to breathe

Personally, I think I complain a lot. Others have told me I don't, but when I do I try to make it a valid, justifiable complaint.

I don't complain "gosh, it's cold out here. Where did summer go?" and then have a full blown conversation about it. That's not how I complain. That's petty stuff. Stuff that can't be fixed. Or it could be fixed, if I'd just worn a jacket or something thicker. But, then it's my fault, and why should I complain about something I knowingly screwed up?

I normally complain about how stuff doesn't make sense. Like how talking behind someone's back doesn't make sense. Especially if you do it more than once. To their friend.

You know what I don't like about having a full time job? That it's a full time pity party to everyone. Everyone has a complaint. Meaningless, petty complains about stuff that either can't be fixed or they are too lazy to do something about.

Even myself sometimes. I will catch myself complaining about something and then, stop. Why am I here? What did I do to get here? And even sometimes, what can I do to get out of here?

I'm working on going back to school at the beginning of the year. I so very badly want to work in the health care industry. Even knowing that it might be going downhill. I want to be up and walking around all day, not stuck behind a desk. I want to see fresh faces every day, not the same ones. I have so many high hopes for a new job. A job that I know I need to work in order to stay on my feet.

You are probably wondering what is so complaint-y about this post. That wasn't my point. My point was to remember to breathe. Every day, every where, any time. Not everything is worth complaining about. Sometimes it's best to just sit in silence and keep your complaints to yourself. Only complain about what really matters. And then breathe, and move forward.

I need this. Every day.