November 18, 2010

I'm real

Yesterday was a mess. My emotions were everywhere. So, I'm going to be real in this post.

I don't regret things. I think the only thing I ever do regret is not going to college right out of high school. But, I have a job, so that is something that I more than often don't worry about.

I try to live my life in a way that makes myself happy as well as certain other people in my life. Because I definitely would not want to ever make a decision that impacted a lot of people in a negative way. Even though I have, on multiple occasions. Sometimes you have to weigh your options, though. Do you want to move forward, to do something for yourself for once, or hold back for the fear of what others might think?

And sometimes I do care too much about what others might think.

Well, two years ago I made the decision to get divorced. I'm still trying to get divorced now. It has been stressful, but it is what I wanted and where I felt moved to go. Seven years ago, I met a person that changed who I was. That held me back. So, I made a choice for myself this time. In the past two years I have gained myself back, and that was worth every ounce of stress I have been put through.

But, yesterdays emotions really stemmed from all of that. I realized that even though I have my old self back, I don't have my freedom back. I'm still tied down because of a little piece of paper that has my named signed to it.

And then I wonder, am I a failure? Is there still a plan for me?

I think I got my answer this morning. I think there is a plan for me still, despite my imperfections and mistakes. I think the plan for me right now is to wait. Wait patiently. Something that I have never been good at doing.

I'm not very strong in my faith (if that is the right choice of words), seeing as how I did start the divorce process, but faith is etched in my mind, silently, always. And I shall wait.

I hope that this was real, minus the intimate details. Because I want to be real. I am a real person and real things happen to me.

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