In my skin

I find that I'm a weird sort of creature. I feel weird things and I think weird things. Sometimes I think it's because my mind overworks itself. Other times I think it's because my mind wanders. A lot.

Either way, it happens. And I think I have a real case of OCD more times than I just joke about it.

I've tried to be one of those people that takes showers at night before bed, then wakes up in the morning to style my hair, put on some make up, get dressed and be out the door in 30 minutes. I find that I'm much happier in my skin if I take a shower in the morning, blow dry my hair, put on some make up, get dressed and be out the door in 45 minutes to an hour. I feel more comfortable throughout the rest of the day.

If I shower at night and just get dressed in the morning, I feel like a grease monkey by lunch time. It never fails. Even if I go to the bathroom to check how bad I feel like I look and see that I look horrible just fine. I can't seem to shake that feeling, like I need a shower. I've gone home from work before because I've felt that way. Just an indescribable feeling to take a shower.

Some days, I feel fat. Terrible fat. Like bloated, air-filled fat. I will feel like everything I try on is too small and doesn't fit right. Eventually I will give up and just pick something, anything. The whole day I will feel frumpy and large. Even if I go to the bathroom to check how fat I feel like I look and see that I look humongous just fine. Skinny, even. I can't seem to shake that feeling, like I weigh 200 pounds.

Do you see a trend?

Some days, I just feel so out of my skin. Like I don't fit within myself. I will feel so uncomfortable on so many different levels that it makes my head hurt. But, what can I do? The mirror doesn't lie, but the mirror doesn't judge either. I judge myself.

I wish I could be so much more comfortable in my skin. I wish I could wear stretchy yoga pants all day with an over sized t-shirt, with my hair pulled up into a messy ponytail, with no make up on, and no judging. No icky feeling from inside myself. The OCD person that wants to feel comfortable 100% of the time.

The truth is, I feel uncomfortable 100% of the time. For no reason.

I'm sure I'm not the only one that feels this way. Although sometimes I wonder. My life is weird and I know this. My humor is weird, too. If you ever have to see or hear it, I apologize in advance.